Tuesday, June 13, 2006

fuck. fuck. fucking fuck.

So one of my worst nightmares has come true. Had dinner with my Ma last night when she pipes up with "oh by the way I'm going blind" EXCUSE me? She's developing cataracts and her long distance vision is cactus. She knew that they were developing a little while ago but didn't really think much of it but in the last 4 months it's worsened 1 diopter which is pretty bad. She was pretty perky about it but I think she's covering so that I won't worry - HA as if! Basically her only option is to go for one of those lens replacement operations but she's scared of the side effects. I'm scared of the whole process because if she does go through with the operation she's going to be a vegetable until she's healed and they take the bandages off. She only has 5-10% hearing and that coupled with no vision... heheh I'm hearing Metallica's One in my head. The good thing about the operation would be that she can throw away her contact lenses as she'd have vastly improved sight with the new lenses. The only other option if she's not a candidate for the lens replacement is euthenasia.

Man that's fucked up. To actually write that word. We've spoken about it before [Ma and I] and I'm in total agreement with her that it's all about quality of life. If she's blind and deaf, there's not much quality there except for stuffing your face full of chocolates. We've got an agreement that if she wants to go that way then she can't go alone. Basically the family needs a chance to say goodbye and as morbid as it sounds I want to be there when she finally goes. I couldn't let her die alone and as much as my heart breaks at the thought of actually doing it, I couldn't sit back and not help. It's the least I owe her. She gave me life and if I have to I will give her death. It's just becoming more real. It was always just talk before. Now it could be a possibility and I wonder how on earth I'm going to handle it when the time comes, I'll just have to. I could go to jail as it's illegal here. It'd be worth it though. I dunno, I don't want to think about all the details too much just yet. She could still have years and years left and it's very likely that she's a good candidate for the cataract op. But it's all becoming a bit too real at the moment and I'm freaking out just a little.

Stoney broke at the moment and of course I've got a stack of bills, car rego and car insurance due, need to buy 2 new tyres [all them burnouts heheh] need a haircut. Why is it that when I have no cash or savings that I get hit with a bundle...

I'm gonna go and turn off my brain with a bit of The OC, yep I'm coming out of the closet and admitting I'm a fan. I just can't help it. I have two words for you Cam Gigandet.

*sigh*

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