Sunday, April 30, 2006

Ugh... note to self

Do not post after consuming more than 6 vodkas. Not good, can you say woe is me. Pity I'm not a believer in deleting posts. suffer suckers.

Friday, April 28, 2006

difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over

How do you tell someone you like them? how do you take it to the level above friendship. Is it just supposed to happen or can I force it that way? It just feels so highschool to go up and say "heh heh I like you". I'm an adult dammit [well I pretend to be anyway]. I'm trying not to be such a chicken about Ollie. I want him and I WILL have him. Working in the same building just complicates it all because I rarely get to see him in a social setting. I think I'm just pissed because I missed an opportunity this afternoon. When he emails me in response to an email and adds "Man I need a beer" that would have been the supreme opportunity to say 'Cool lets go' and organise something but no no I'm a fuckwit... *sigh*

still reading: Rage - Wilbur Smith
now playing: A Perfect Circle - Mer de Noms live

Thursday, April 27, 2006

if I could just change the hands of time...

I seem to be bitching about work a lot again. Sorry bout that but I'm going to start up again so you might want to skip it if you're bored. I feel like time is speeding up again, I'm just going round and round in circles and not achieving anything. OK that's a lie because I did complete one of the 3 things I had to do and I've just spent the last 2 hours at home and completed the second. The third can sorta kinda wait but I'll probably just have a vent break here then tackle it into the wee hours of the night tonight. I had a pretty crappy day today and it's a good thing that I'm finally home because if one more person were to give me attitude today I was gonna have to go nuclear on their ass. I dunno if it's full moon or what. REALLY fuckin giving me the shits. Right royally. There are 3 people in my section who are letting the power go to their heads and pulling a few power trips outta the bag. A hearty fuck you to you three. Just test me tomorrow... just go right ahead. Ok building a bridge and getting over it. bring on the weekend....

Found some veg that cracked me up [you might have to click on them to get the full joke, in fact I encourage you to do it to get the full veggie experiance]:

Friday, April 21, 2006

the anniversary is looming

Just looking over my archives for perverse reasons and May 10th will be my one year anniversary. It's really odd to think about where I was 1 year ago and where I am now. The only major achievement to date [apart from taking some excellent pix of M'lord] is that I've given up smoking pot every day. In fact this Monday was my 9 month anniversary. How odd it feels for me... I still dream about it a lot and I'd just about give my right arm for a smoke but I'm still strong and more importantly, proud of myself that I've been so strong when I've had a few temptations along that 9 month journey. But just glossing over the old May archives... it brings me right back to that time when two of my good friends were getting married. In particular my bestest friend. That was one of the most depressing moments of my life. Not so much that she was getting married but the fact that that day was so filled with love and joy and I felt so alone and apart from it all. After the reception [when I was so mightily pissed mind you] I got back to my lonely hotel room and just sobbed. There's only a couple of times that I've cried so hard. Breaking up with asshole1 [now renamed The Exman because he's not so much of an asshole] and asshole2 [who still remains an asshole]. Like absolutely sobbing, bodily crying which I never do. I felt so alone at that stage. Today... well today I feel like below ;}

pacify this hunger that's so cruel

Argh that yearny feeling. Hate it! I watched Ollie's DVD last night and woah the subtext. See, there's things that I know about him that he doesn't know that I know. I can't tell you how I know either but it's juicy stuff. Anyhoo I emailed him this morning with my review of the dvd, which I promised him I'd do, so we've been chatting all day again. I can read so much into this dvd but like I promised myself, I'm not going to do that. But I got it right. It's a collection of music clips with an emotional colour theme which is Purple. When I was watching this I was thinking about why it's purple and it's a collection of bruised heart songs for me. And he told me that that is exactly why it's called Purple and I couldn't help but get all YAY I got it right.

There were stacks of my favourite songs on there [we have VERY similar taste in music] and it's one bond that I keep trying to reinforce with him. This is one guy that I want quite badly. I just wish that I wasn't such a chicken about it. I'm usually not like this. I go and get what I want but with him I'm scared. Which is a good sign for me ;} He's potentially leaving the organisation at the end of June so... I should make a move but I think I'm going to worm it out of him whether he's going to be extended or not. I have a perfect opportunity with him in October... but that's October... *sigh* I hate this but I won't let him leave without saying something. He feels like "The One" for me and I've never felt like that about anyone without the degree of certainty that I do with him.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Some things are better left unsaid

It's been a weird day today... Got into work late [like lunchtime late] for reasons that I don't want to get into, needless to say I was cranky. Got to my desk and there's a DVD on my desk. From Ollie. Out of the blue. Woah. And of course the stoopid computer at work won't play it so I can't see what it is. So I email him and he emails me back and I email him back and we kinda chat all afternoon. Niiiice. *CG does happy dance all over the office* Gonna watch it once we're finished talking here, it's a compilation of music vids and you'll excuse me if I get all gushy here but somewhere the thought had to come along "well I might just make CG a copy" teehee YAY (that was me by the way not him). I will repeat to myself 20 times 'I will not read anything into this'. Okay maybe make it 50 times just for sinking in sake hmm? OK gushiness over.

Then I get a call from my Dad. He'd had a dizzy spell with the shakes and clammy cold sweat while in the mall having his coffee morning with the old farts. All the signs of a heart attack. Fuuuuuuuuck! He assures me that he's OK but is booked in to see his doctor in the arvo just to be sure, to be sure. I think it kinda gave him a scare. I could tell the second I spoke to him that something was wrong. There was just a tone in his voice. Kinda scared me too to tell the truth. I don't like this parents growing older thing. Aren't they sposed to live forever?

I just spoke to him a little while ago and all of his tests are clear and the doc is a bit puzzled as he seems super healthy [cholesterol is even down yay] but it certainly wasn't a mini stroke or heart attack. He's booked in for a cat scan tomorrow just to make sure that everything is a-ok. I'll have my fingers X-ed. Reminds me of one of my fave cartoons: [by the way you should Google Image search for "catscan" there are some hilarious search results of scanned cats.]

well I'm off to watch the dvd from Ollie and repeat my mantra 50 times...

now playing: Sevendust - Seasons
still reading: Rage - Wilbur Smith

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

run rabbit run rabbit run run run

You know at 31 and 29, my Ma still likes doing an easter egg hunt for me and my brother. No problem... what I can't handle is that after all these years and all the hunts that we've had over the years my brother still manages to kick my ass at finding all the chocolate eggs. Some things will never change ;}

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Happy Eggstravaganza

Like Christmas, I just love some of the Easter cartoons that come around. So here are a couple of my faves while you're munching on your chockie goodness.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

stick around and see the ugly look on my face

I can't sleep so please find forthwith my brain dumping. I've been trying to sleep for the last hour and my mind is just going over shit and I can see that if I don't get it out then I'm not going to be able to sleep for another couple of hours. So here we go.

1. As you can tell things have been super busy. Haven't even had time for blogging. I've been getting home late an just been absolutely exhausted that I can't even think straight. On the plus side, I've got some serious flex racked up.

2. The kitchen is almost done. Finally have the benchtop and splashback in. Unfortunately the plumber and electrician can't come til after Easter to connect up all the appliances but I've got the long weekend to unpack and clean etc. It would have been nice to have those extra days to cook and bake. But I'll be all ready for that the weekend after. This has been a long time coming and I'll be so relieved when it's all over.

3. the thing that's had my brain occupied tonight is the fucked up meeting I had last thing this afternoon. This fucktard assclown of a resource manager and I had a meeting regarding a major project that I've been working on for the last 4 weeks and it just makes me fucking furious just thinking about the whole thing again. My supervisior was in the meeting as well and her attitude didn't help the whole situation either. She came into the meeting angry and just managed to escalate the whole thing and I'm the one that's going to have to deal with this fuckwit and this little meeting has just made that all the more difficult. I have a really hard time dealing with condescending, arrogant pricks that will just NOT listen and not give you the opportunity to speak or cut you off half way. If he had of shut up from the start it would have been a 20 minute meeting but oh no it dragged out to a 45 minute do se do your partner arguement that served no purpose. Everytime I dragged both of them back to me and what I was hoping to achieve in that meeting, one of them would provoke the other and it's swings and roundabouts again. I could have clobbered both of them for being retards. Fuck you both.

4. My big boss has left and already things have turned to shit. It would have been great to have his backup after this fuckeroonie meeting. We should have a replacement in the next month and I seriously hope it's an external person. I can't imagine anyone inhouse who could possibly do the job. fuck I hope not anyway. They've got some big shoes to fill so I hope it's not going to be turbulent times ahead.

5. I'm having a hard time keeping my assistant busy. Which is a good and bad thing. It's proving a challenge because I really wonder about other people and what I consider to be common sense. I don't want to blow smoke up my own ass but I must be one super capable person compared to some people.

6. Been having some interesting IM chats with Roger. Really interesting. And it's bothering me. I didn't get to talk to him tonight and I realised how much I wanted to talk to him even if it was just to distract myself from the afternoon's fucked up meeting. This is a bad thing because he's attached. And a flirt. Bad combination. baad.

7. So much to do and not enough time to do it in. I was lying in bed trying not to think about replaying the events of the meeting and found myself drafting emails and trying to solve a coupla issues I've got at work.

8. Looks like there's going to be some major changes for one of my staff after an internal audit of his role. I'm not overly surprised as I've had some serious beefs there but it could change in a way that will not be good for the section and we may have no control over what happens. Fasten your seatbelts and return your trays to the upright positions.

9. still gotta do my tax... and about half a dozen other things on the long standing To Do list...

where's the off switch? *sigh*

Monday, April 03, 2006

the words I'll never find

As I mentioned before I haven't been able to stop thinking about my ex. Why do I keep going over everything after all this time? What makes me want to rip that scab off again? I've even been playing little fantasies about contacting him just to see what is happening in his life, whether he actually got his shit together, is he married yet [I doubt it], did he ever finish his degree, is he still on lithium, does he still see Zak, does he still think about Robert, does he still write, all that fucked up shit. I want to hear him sing again. His gigs have gotten great reviews, no great suprise because he's a great singer and a mean showman and I'm glad he's in a band again. I know how much that meant to him. this is just stoopid, I mean it's 10 years since we were together.

I know that I'm over him but I guess it's the whole "first love" thing. Another friend of mine sent me some photos from his gig the other weekend. Even though he's all porky [hey I can't talk] and has a Vanilla Ice chock, he still looks good. There's one photo where he's got that cheeky smile that used to give me butterflies, and still does. HATE that. I wish my traitor fingers would just press delete and build a fuckin bridge. Why after all this time do I want to think about this shit? Trust me, I don't want to get back with him but I can't seem to stop going over our relationship all the time.

I think that part of it was the whole emotional intensity thing. I want that back. At the time we were two lost souls who found each other for a short time. We just clicked and we were each others world. But of course that never lasts. But while it lasted it was so sweet. I want to mean something to someone. It's been such a crazy long time I don't even want to think about it.

Damn brain. Fuck you too.