Thursday, November 24, 2005

do do do the funky gibbonnnnn

Another really odd day today. Spent the morning at the copshop [sniff sniff do I smell bacon?] dealing with the fallout from yesterday. Despite what I used to think of cops there were actually some pretty useful ones around today AND helpful!

Spent most of the afternoon with the big boss trying to sort out the fun and games yet to come. I need more people in the world like him, he just has a way of seeing through people, cutting away all the petty politics and fastforwarding to the chase.

I've just returned from seeing The Goodies live on stage. Bloody hilarous and just the laugh I needed to take my mind off things. My cheeks are aching from smiling so much! Despite the day from hell yesterday I actually feel kinda good right now. Kiki's funeral is tomorrow afternoon so that's going to be emotionally draining and tough to get through. Went and saw her mum and husband today and that nearly broke my heart. I won't go into it much because I'll start howling again and I don't want to drown my new laptop. I guess this whole experiance is a bit of a memento mori and I think that this is what I needed to get out of the hole I've been digging for myself. I'm seeing everything in a fresh new light. But right now I've gotta go to bed... sooo tired mentally and physically! Nighty night!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

oh what now?

After one of the shittiest days on record I read this comment:

Vittra said...

Dear Lord, if you're going to make a blog that focuses entire around yourself then at least make it interesting to read. By the way, I'm not sure if you noticed, but capitals do not stop being used when you start a new paragraph.

Writing about yourself in this insipid way won't attract anyone. I think the fact that you are still single and have no sign of regular readers attests to this as proof. I would much rather listen to a three hour spiel from John Howard than ten minutes of this babble.

Whilst we're on the subject of how much attention this blog receives, I think you having word verification is a little superfluous, really.

You are irritating to read, deal with it.


Let me start with: who shat in your cornflakes this morning?

oops sorry, didn't realise that I was being marked for my punctuation and content [you forgot to mention spelling]. Last time I checked a blog was a web page that serves as a publicly accessible personal journal for an individual. I don't write this blog for the approval or attention of other people, just for me so if you don't like it, don't read it.

and insipid, yes indeed. Just the point I was trying to make myself over the last couple of weeks although obviously less eloquently and more tediously. My life is extremely insipid at the moment and I don't need you to point that out. You don't know me so don't even presume to judge me. I don't use my blog as a dating tool to attact men or regular readers. I didn't realise it was a popularity contest, here I was thinking it was a place to write what I want, when I want. Perhaps I should preface the "it's all about me, deal with it" description with "Warning: Boring bullshit ahead?"

and what does the word verification thingo have anything to do with regular attention? It's there to prevent unwanted comments, a spam prevention tool. Oh wait a minute, I must be missing the point. My blog must be too boring even for spammers.

we can't all be the wordsmith effusing words all over the place, so dreadfully sorry about that. I stand corrected and will endevour to do better.

by the way, who asked you anyway? Just piss off to clevercleverland and leave me alone.


touchy? yeah just a bit. I won't go into how fantastic my day was because I don't want to risk boring you all to death.

Nah fuckit, it's my blog so Vittra, should you be reading, you might want to go now because I'm going to get all tedious now. Warning: more boring bullshit ahead.

A very good friend of mine passed away today so the rest of you will have to excuse me for being a tad emotional.

And not only that but I had to fire someone for reasons I can't go into but lets just say that it got extremely messy and the police were called and I've spent most of the afternoon at the copshop. That comment couldn't have come at a worse time. Just shat me off that someone came to my place and told me how to run it. It probably stings a little more than it should because it's what I've been thinking myself for the last little while. borrring. [but fuck you anyway] So all in all it's been a wonderful day.

Anyway before I go and thoroughly drown my sorrows let me just share this [if it doesn't bore you too much]. Kiki was my age and we met in highschool about a zillion years ago. She died of an aggressive breast cancer that was diagnosed 2 months ago. When she told me about the diagnosis and we were both having a cry about it she said to me that when she died that she would make sure that she would watch over me. She admitted to me that instead of feeling bad for herself she was feeling guilty for making everyone else sad. Just the kinda gal she was. Someone I've always envied and admired. I'm going to miss her so much, she always had a way of bringing bright sunshine into my life. I'm sure there's a coupla big lessons in today's events but right now I just don't see it.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds

I've been so conditioned by the hollywood happy ending. I'm still thinking about Beneath Clouds and it's unresolved ending. Why didn't Vaughn get on the train with Lena, did he turn himself in? Where was she going? Where was she going to stay? Who wsas going to protect her from the big bad city now that she was without Vaughn? Did she find her father? How would they ever find eachother again? Because I'm so conditioned I'd expect a Beneath Clouds 2 due to it's open ending but I sincerely doubt it, it's too good for that. I'm really haunted by this movie. It captured Australia so beautifully and with so little words. Some of the country side was just achingly beautiful. Australia is just like that. I've driven to the coast and often wanted to stop and photograph a tree or landscape just because it's so beautiful.

I have an imaginary dog menagerie and today I would have added my 8th dog to the collection. Mrs Hollingsworth [the animal lady] regularly posts the Dog of the Week or the local ARF dogs up on our internal bulletin boards at work and if I didn't have His Lordship [who thinks he's a dog anyway] and live where I live where they don't allow you to have dogs I would have adopted 8 of them so far. I'm a sucker for big dogs and this week's dog, Max, is one of my fave crosses - Great Dane x mastiff. The sweet face on him, man he's lucky I didn't adopt him because he'd be the most smooched on pooch that it'd just be embarrassing for a dignified dog like him. So sweet. Another reason I want a boyfriend with a dog. Just so I can smooch the pooch. Love doggies and while I love big dogs, if I had the choiced of all dogs I'd get a pug. Love those fugly dogs. One of my mates has one, King, and he's just such a character [and he loves me to bits]. Good thing I have friends with dogs or else there'd be trouble ;}

But that being said I'd do anything to transform my cat into a man. such a sweet beast

My sparklies arrived today and they're fricken HUGE! Oh man I want a real pair... now if only I had a spare $20k! BUT I'm happy with them. niiiice!

oh and can I just mention how addicted to sudoku puzzles I am!

Monday, November 21, 2005

city of the dead, at the end of another lost highway

another fucked up day in the jungle, why did I expect anything less. I've GOT to find a way out before I'm just running, screaming obscenities amongst the vines. All suggestions welcome.


Picking up on something that Anonymous Cog was talking about today - one thing I can't stand more than waking up in the morning is people who are overly familiar, and not only overly familiar but breach the personal space barrier. I go through phases where I just don't want anyone to touch me. It's a weird thing that I can't explain because at the same time I want someone to touch me but on that personal level but that would be the person of my choice. There's a dude at work that I know fairly well, we joke around a lot but he is constantly getting really up close to me and I just don't like it. I like him [he's about 60 so don't be thinkin that] and we do joke a helluva lot but don't be breaching the personal space barrier just because you're part of the inner realm of people who joke with me.

Been thinking A LOT about pot lately. It's been 3 months and 3 weeks today. I've been watching a lot of stoner movies and it's making me yearn. I've kinda decided that I want to smoke on NYE. Just once. We'll see. I have no idea what I've got planned for NYE but if it's going to be anything like the last one - so ultra depressing, then I'm definately smoking my fuckin brains out accompanied by a bottle or two of plonko bubblo.

I've been thinking about travelling a lot recently too. I think part of it is just the fact that I want to get the fuck out of here. I'd really like to go to London and Paros again [no not Paris but Paros] I'd love to go to the US for a little sojourn but alas the fundage does not allow any travelling at the moment. Maybe if I win that $20k Xmas cash raffle?

Watched an amazing movie called Beneath Clouds last night - if you haven't seen it go and rent it now. You won't regret it. [the fact that they both had amazing eyes had nothing to do with my admiration] Also watched Saw II - wasn't as good as the first one, Saw. Now I'm a huge fan of horror movies and Saw scared the absolute bejezus out of me. Very well written. The second one was good but not as well scripted and suspenseful as the first. A bit more gorey but was still worth the watch. It's an interesting concept that always makes me feel just a little bit guilty about my good life that I bitch about.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

magnetic poetry

well it's the end of another weekend. The only highlight of the weekend is discovering Vodka Twistees. Half butterscotch schnapps and the other half vanilla vodka stuff. real niiice and bloody toxic! I'll post a pic a bit later. Dangerous little suckers. But damn I have a fine shot glass collection now ;} way too much drinking but what the fuck eh?

getting to magnetic poetry - I have magnetic sex poetry on my fridge. had a mate over on the weekend who wrote up some wicked stuff. I usually get whoever is drinking at my house to write something up so I'll post a pic of that as well. think I'm going to make it a regular feature of this blog because people can come up with some really hot stuff.

this one's probably the clearest but it's lost the last word of the last poem "come" ;"


and this one's a little more blurry without the flash but dammit they're pretty darned good for being completely schnocked and I couldn't be assed taking a few more so deal with it.



heard that asshole1 has a new band and played on Saturday. Was half tempted to hop on down to see how it all went but I don't really want to go there but I do. it's funny I'd love a guy who is a combination of the good points of both asshole 1 and 2. The emotional intensity of asshole1 with the sexual intensity of asshole2. Anyway let's not go there now cuz I'm on a Twistee induced high

My weekend has consisted of the afore mentioned Twistees, Deus Ex: Invisible War [much to my disappointment because I originally hired Chronicles of Riddick but the fucker who hired it before me scratched the install disk so it wouldn't work!] Needless to say Deus Ex sux. It's boring with way too much talk. I'm not going to even bother finish it [gotta return it tomorrow] I was hoping for GTA3: Vice City or San Andreas but they don't have it so I'll have to go elsewhere. Have I mentioned how much I love my new laptop lately? fuckin kickass!!

shitty thing of the weekend: The neighbourhood boys kicked out my side fence. They usually have a smoke sesh there once in a while but actually kicked out some of the boards so there's an escape hole sized hole in the fence. gee wonder why?

nice thing of the weekend: Well one was pre weekend but I forgot to mention but it's happened twice now... I must look [or act] a lot younger than I actually am. Two people have thought I was 25 in the last week and were quite shocked to find out that I am 31. Niiiice!

getting back to my bitching from friday... had breakie with my Ma today and we kinda broached the subject of me and how unhappy I am and depsite her saying "I think you're depressed and that's why you've lost your zest for life" she then proceeds to give me shit and make me feel worse. Yeah thanks Ma, thanks for your help and understanding. Love my Ma but she's always gotta put a negative spin on things. It's kinda a running joke with me and my bro. We can always count on her for the negative aspect.

Not to start the bitchin afresh but I'm going to start on baby steps. I'm going to put some hard work in on the old fatness. Ugh this means stopping drinking [she says cracking the last Twistee in the box] and actually taking care of myself. That means actually eating good food. Not having cup o soup for dinner cuz I couldn't be fucked cooking. [well that's if my kitchen would actually be complete but that's a whole other story that I'm not even touching]. So we'll see eh? They key for me is exercise. So I'm proposing walking for at least an hour a day for starters. Just gotta get my ass in gear, literally. So that's the plan. Now I've gotta stick with it, that's the trick... I'll keep you posted.

I got tagged [and passed it on thank you] so here goes:

7 things I plan to do before I die:

* Learn how to ride a horse
* find my happy place
* have a child
* go back to Paros
* drive a double clutch truck, one of the big Mac trucks [not as in Macdonalds]
* swim in the dead sea
* live in a castle with a bondage dungeon

7 things I can do:
* freaky toe tricks
* roll my tongue
* listen to you
* swear a LOT
* dream colourful vivid dreams all night
* type 80 wpm
* crush really easily

7 things I cannot do:
* play a musical instrument nor sing [although I like singing in the car and when no ones listening
* be unemotional
* forgive and forget [as much as I would like to]
* refuse sex
* parallel park [I'll drive around til I find somewhere else rather than subject
myself to the embarrassment]
* say no to a friend
* sleep a full night

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex/another person:
* the eyes, the eyes get me everytime
* good full lips with cupids bow
* makes me laugh or laughs a lot themselves
* smart and intelligent
* that V on the hips that points you in the right direction [briefly glimpsed here and here but more classically here, you get the idea I'm sure]
* a nice nape [yeah I'm weird but I love a guy with a good nape]
* honesty

7 things that I say most often:
* colour me surprised
* here's the thing
* shit yeah
* fuck [or fuckity fuck or what the fuck]
* you don't know
* butthead
* dildo
[all closely followed by "where's the coffee"]

7 celebrity crushes: [yeah that's 8 so whatcha gonna do?]
* Sawyer! [Josh Holloway]
* Billy Zane
* Vin Diesel
* Rodger Corser
* Josh Hartnett
* Egbert Jan Weeber
* Chris Hemsworth
* Judd Nelson


now playing: Lifehouse
now reading: Hammer of Eden - Ken Follett

Friday, November 18, 2005

Lost

Someone asked me what the next challenge for me is. Good question. I have no idea and it's been bothering me all afternoon. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know where I'm headed. In a way I've never known. When I was at school I never knew what I wanted to be or do in life. I felt jealous of someone who knew 100% that they wanted to be a suchandsuch. I've just gone along with the flow and it's lead me to where I am today but it's never been a conscious decision. The future has always been a big question mark on the horizon. I've never been able to answer the "where do you see yourself in 5 years question. I stay in my job because it pays the mortgage but it's nowhere near my passion. Then again I wonder what my passion is. I know what I want to do workwise but is it my passion? You'd think that if it was then no one and nothing could stop me doing it. I don't have a standout talent for a particular thing that would help guide me. So what do I do? Stay doing what I'm doing and just keep going with the flow because it's safe and pays the bills? I don't really know what I can do.

When I was 14/15 I went through a phase of cutting myself so that I could feel something other than what I was feeling at the time. I feel like that now. Not that I'm about to start cutting again but I just need to feel something other than this... this lost drifing feeling. I know that's one of the reason I smoked pot and one of the reasons I drink. To feel something else. But then it wears off and we're back to the same old, same old. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite as I'm a strong believer that if you don't like something then change it. My problem is that I don't know how to change and it's partly because I don't know what I want. How do I get motivation? How do I stop feeling so bored? How do I stop feeling so lost? Is there a 12 step program? How do I get my shit together?

Half the problem is that I'm good at hiding. No one knows how I feel, not even my bestest friends. My problem is that I don't talk about ME. The real me. No that's not true, I've tried but both my bestest friends are a tad self centred and while it starts off about me it generally goes back to being about them. It's probably half my fault for conditioning them like that because I'm a good listener and I just find it hard to talk about me. And I also realise that they're busy in their own lives so I think why bother waste my breath. But don't get me wrong, I love my mates and would probably be a lot worse off without them. But I need more. Apart from them I don't have anyone to talk deep stuff to except you. And even talking to you doesn't always do it for me as I get bored with what feels like my whinging. I can't really talk to my family, it just doesn't sit right with me, it's all too personal. So that leaves no one to talk to. I have lots of friends and know lots of people but not people that know me personally. They know the public me.

I feel like there are two mes, the public me and the private me. No one ever sees the private me. No one ever has. And the sad thing is that the private me is the real me. Not the pretendy me. Everything seems fine on the surface of the public me, no one's the wiser. I'm not even sure if I like either me, at the moment I think they're both pathetic. Just wish either of them were smarter, cleverer or the slightest bit interesting.

It's like the pot thing. I was an everyday smoker for at least the last 5 years and not one person knew except for my dealers but they both sucked ass and aren't worth the flesh their printed on. No one clued on. And I'm talking about billys for breakfast and all afternoon/night. If I wasn't at work I was stoned. I'm a good liar I guess. It makes me sad that when my body blew up, no one asked me why? No one thought to find out what was going on with me. Even now I can't help but feel pissed off that even though I've tried to talk to both of my bestest friends recently that it doesn't register that I AM NOT HAPPY. Is that my fault? Do I need to be screaming and crying before it registers that I have a problem [not that I really know what it is apart from being so totally lost]? How much more plainer do I have to make it? Maybe if I tell them that I'm thinking about antidepressants that it might give them a clue. I still don't like the thought of anti depressants but maybe that's what I need to get me out of the dark place?

I guess this whole post is a what am I doing here, what's it all about question. Fucked if I know. All I have is questions and no answers. I don't even know what to do to go about finding answers. Do I talk to a counsellor? A psychotherapist? A psychiatrist? There's a free service through work so I could go and see a professional if I want to. But would they have an answer? I'm sure the answers lie within me but how do I find them? more fuckin questions ;} I'm sure it will come back to setting goals and working towards them but what if I don't have any fucking goals? This comes back to the "what is the next challenge for me" question posed to me earlier today. Right now my goal is not to start smoking pot again because I'd REALLY like to right about now. But I won't. While I want to I don't need to. And I have plenty of booze to keep my occupied with heheh. But other than that, nup, there's nothing. I couldn't be fucked about anything else. I wrote a long post a while ago about what I want to create in my life right now and even reading that isn't helping. There's nothing concrete in there. Just fluffy wishes.

heheh Okay I thought of a goal I want to work towards. I want to have sex before I forget how to do it. But [and there's always a but] there are obstacles. I guess that leads to other goals like lose some fuckin weight fatass ;} Okay so that's two goals. BUT then what? I've lost weight and shagged my brains out...? then what? *sigh* and do see do your partner. I guess I need to find some meaning in my life. Something that helps get me out of bed in the morning, something that excites me. yeah, sex! heheh maybe I need to become a prostitute HAHA! hehe and then I can stay in bed! I'd have to pay them ;}

Seriously though, and being realistic - what can I do? I need a decent paying job to pay the bills and morgage. I can sell my house but I've gotta live somewhere and I'd rather pay my morgage than someone elses. I could get a different job but in this field it's same shit different location. It's not so bad at the moment and is bordering on pretty good but I'm BORED. I could do it with my eyes closed and it's just not exciting. So what would be exciting? [yeah sex but we're talking about work] I dunno. Square 1. ugh I need a drink. Just going for a refresh.

mkay I'm back. Drinking my fave Tia Maria on ice [heart and stars shaped ice, I told you about my ice fetish did'nt I?] Anyway during the brief break I'm wondering if I'm thinking about all this too much? Maybe I should just do as usual and just go with the flow til something turns up? I'm also a strong believer that everything happens for a reason... but fuck I'm impatient [heheh buttfuck, sorry it's the booze]. I'm feeling better y'know. I don't feel as dark as I did when I started this post. Maybe it's the fact that I've downed a shitload of Tia while typing because I don't really have any more answers than I did when I started writing. I guess it's the cathartic aspect of it all eh?

Gonna get all random on you now

Odd fact of the day - I've had my alarm clock for 23 years!! I got it for a birthday present when I was 8 and it still works. Well one of the little lampy things has gone but it still works dammit!

Been reading a few blogs talking about the snow in the US... I miss snow. I grew up with snow at Xmas and I still can't get used to it being 30 degrees at Xmas even though I've lived here for 16ish years. Bring on the snow I say. It's just starting to get really hot here. It's been unseasonally wet and they're saying that we won't have water restrictions this summer because of all the rains. I'll believe it when it's 35 degrees. I hate the heat. Bring on winter, show me the fuckin snow.

OK bored now.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

But give me your open hand

Gooooodies, Goodie Goodie yum yummmmmmm! I'm going to see The Goodies on the 24th! can't wait! My bro and I grew up with them so it will be mad to see them all grown up.

I got a free 'ticket' on the internet dating site and I've sent it to the dude I have a huge crush on. I'm pretty sure I'm not his type but my 'ticket' runs out tonight so what the hey.

Bored bored bored!!!

Monday, November 14, 2005

In the end it doesn't even matter

I'm seriously considering antidepressants for the first time. It's been suggested to me for years but I just don't like the idea of relying on a pill to make me feel better. It feels like failure to me. I should be able to make myself feel better. It's a flawed idea I know. In my present mood, I just don't give a fuck about anything let alone myself so how can I make myself feel better when all I want to do is sit around, eat and watch tv and not help myself. I really wish I was still smoking. It's been 14 weeks, 3 and a half months you realise! God I want a cone ;{ It's a mental thing not a physical craving anymore. I just want to get stoned to turn my brain off from the depression and monotony that is my life. BUT never fear dear reader, I'll be good. Now that I've gotten so far it would be a shame to start the counter again. What a waste ;} And I don't want to talk to my asshole egotistical fuckhead of a dealer. But I'd dearly love to get stoned. I've dreamed about it a fair bit recently. Smoking pot and giving head. Odd things to be dreaming about but they're recurring. I'll have to check out the ole dream interp and see what the fuck that's all about apart from the bleedin obvious. Last night I also dreamt of Red Faction 2 but that's just cuz I've almost finished it and spent most of the weekend playing it. It sucks hairy balls compared to Red Faction1

From my fave dream interp site www.dreammoods.com:

Oral sex:
To dream that you are giving or receiving oral sex, signifies your willingness to give or receive pleasure/joy. It is symbolic of your creative energy and reaffirms that you are headed in the right direction in life. The dream may also be a pun on talking about sex. You may need to communicate with your mate about your sexual needs and desires. Perhaps you are acting out your sexual wishes.

well duh! ;}

and smoking scoobs:
To see, smell or use marijuana in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing an expanded sense of awareness and consciousness. You need to take advantage and draw insight from this new consciousness. The dream may also mean that you need to look on your inner strength for stimulation instead of relying on outside forces.

That last line is interesting. Oh man the smell of pot... that's probably the thing I miss the most. Glorious perfume. heheh Did I tell you that I intend to start smoking again when I'm 65? Only 34 years to go ;} I figure by then it won't really matter and I'll be waaay retired so what the hey. *sigh* only 34 years to go

Anyway getting back to antidepressants, I haven't decided anything but I thought it might be useful to get myself back on track and maybe find a bit of motivation. I don't like the idea of it but I need to do something instead of being in the dumps all the time. I thought that maybe with the whole quitting thing that that would help my mental state but maybe I've severely fucked up my brain chemistry and I can't switch it back to normal without a bit of help? I just feel so stupid talking to anyone about it. Just feel like a bit of a reject for being so dumb but I guess that's what addiction is all about. The thought "I think you've confused me with someone who cares" has been popping up in my brain quite a lot over the last couple of weeks. I've been feeling like I'm pretending quite a bit too. Pretending to be interested, pretending to be working... y'know the usual bullshit.

Anyway, gotta go do things so I'll scratch ya later.

now playing: Linkin Park
Now reading: The key to Rebecca - Ken Follett

Saturday, November 12, 2005

I find myself wanting now

Well I'm writing to you from the comfort of my bed with my laptop! It arrived at lunchtime on my birthday so that was a nice prezzie. Had a quiet birthday. No one remembered except my two best friends so that was kinda nice. Had dins with the family and got some nice presents - the most beautiful sheet set from my Ma - it's apple green with pink embroidered flowers with a matching cushion and throw rug, the 80s 3 disc dvd set with The Breakfast Club [one of my top 5 most favourite movies], Sixteen Candles [another in my top 5] and Weird Science that I've wanted for ages and Star Wars Ep 3 from my Dad and my bro got me the Avanti coffee plunger and salt and pepper grinders I've been after. YAY love prezzies! And of course I got myself my oh so fab laptop and my 'diamond' sparklies should be here next week ;}

Can't tell you how happy I am with this laptop. Spent most of Thursday arvo/night watching DVDs in bed. It's unreal as a portable dvd player and oh yeah the computer side of it is pretty good too. I'm going to load up MS Office this arvo and play a little Red Faction 2 as it didn't work on The Shitbox. Then comes the hefty task of cleaning up The Shitbox and archiving all my internet porn before I get rid of it. Lucky the laptop has a dvd/cd burner otherwise I'd be stuffed ;} Man I'm such a nerd.

I'm feeling so low at the moment. I've been moping around the house, bored, wanting to get drunk. Wishing I could get stoned. The cat is pissing me off, he's just gotta be buffing my legs to a high sheen or sitting on me and I just want a bit of space. But no no it's sitting right next to me looking cute and making me feel guilty for pushing him away. I should really be doing some work work but just couldn't be fucked, maybe tomorrow eh? Just wish that I could muster up a bit of motivation or enthusiasm to do anything and stop fucking moping around. But no no, I'll wallow a little longer, hell I've got nothing better to do. Cept eat... and drink vodka. So today's plan ladies and gents is play with El Lapatopa and eat junk and drink booze. Great plan eh? ah whatever

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The Aunty Red blues

Well it's my last day of being 30. Pretty uneventful day. I don't know why but this year I don't give a fuck about my birthday [but secretly I do]. This is really unusual for me as I usually love it. I'm one of those people who loves an event. I think that birthdays should be special. This year I just feel fucked about it. I think I feel a bit spiteful and it's almost like I want people to forget about it so that I can feel sorry for myself. I secretly want a surprise party but yeah fat chance unless I organise it myself. Lets just say I'm wallowing in self pity at the moment for no real reason. I think I'm just 'in a mood'. I'm just finding it hard to be excited about anything at the moment. Life is just dull at the moment. I'll build a bridge and get over it I assure you. I just keep reminding myself that I could be much worse off than I am.

I think it's the same old thing, I feel really lonely. It sucks being alone on your birthday. Sure I'm going to see my family for dinner but it would just be nice to have someone to share with. Waking up alone, going to bed alone just sucks. There's only so much that a cat can fill in the gaps. This sort of thing just makes me want to cry. I feel so pathetic that that is what I need to be happy. I'm just tired of being alone all the fuckin time. Comes back to the 'needing to be important to someone' thing. I just wish I mattered to someone. I wish that I was the first thing that someone thought of when they woke up. I'm so impatient for that. I was reading one of my old writing journals yesterday and there's a lot of fleshy yearning in there. Maybe I'll share some stuff with you one day. As usual I don't think it's any good but I still like it because it brings me back to where I was when I wrote some of the stuff. Anyway I'm making myself feel worse so I'm going to stop this before it really turns into a boohoofest.

Read this too It's funny because I had a similar conversation on the weekend about white knights and dragons. I'd rather have the dragon too.

Spent most of Saturday at work doing crappy crap. Had a pre-birthday dinner with two mates on Saturday night which was a bit interesting. Just getting back to what I was talking about before for a sec, about it all could be much worse - one of the girlies I had dins with has two sons. One is autistic and the other is deaf and possibly autistic. Now that is hard. That would be tough but all through it she maintains her sparkly sense of humour. She deals with it in her own way. Had a good food with good company and all that. They gave me some prezzies which I won't open til tomorrow. I just told them that it wasn't my birthday yet. They didn't understand why I didn't want to open them then but how do you explain that it sucks waking up alone on your birthday with nothing but a smooch from the cat. They don't know how lonely I feel because while they're good friends, they're wrapped up in their own lives. and rightly so because they're not responsible for me. But they wouldn't understand the intense loneliness I feel. So I'll save the presents til tomorrow and open them when I wake up and sing happy birthday to myself. fuck I'm pathetic.

Man I'm just so tired of being miserable, so fucking low all the time. And yet I just don't know how to pull myself out of it. It's like a crazy undercurrent that's always there. I can be happy on the surface but when I'm out of the public eye it just drags me down into it's murky depths. Gotta go and have a glass of wine and go to bed because I'm just feeling crappy and you're just going to hear the same old shit wrapped up 20 different ways from me tonight.

Friday, November 04, 2005

well fuuuuuuuck

not happy jan.... hate it when I don't get something I paid for. Went to what I used to think of as one of the best chinky nosh places to order my favourite Shantung chicken with plum sauce and a little flied lice on my way home, yep yep no problem. Get home and my first reaction is "what the fuck is that?" The chicken looks like it's something like blackbean chicken and not only that but it's served on half a container of flied lice. And there's a separate flied lice. So I've been jipped on a full container of chicken and have extra extra flied lice. It's tasty and all but it's not what I wanted and was slobbering over about all the way home. Hate that... normally I'd take it back but I couldn't be assed driving 10 mins and I was hungry.

I am now a brunette! Felt like something different as I'm normally sorta blonde. Well I had a top deck for the last coupla months [white choc on top, dark choc on the bottom] I'm now a chocolately brown with blonde chunks in the top. Very striking and I love it. Can't wait for Monday as some of the folks there are going to flip out. groovy baby.

Oh and just a tip, Vitamin C + beer = yeeeechh!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

hey big spender ; }

I've bought a new 'puuuter, I've bought a new 'puuter!!!! Bought my laptop today... I hope they hurry up with the delivery!!! Tis my birthday prezzie to me. Dell Inspiron 6000 yeah baby! Now I've just gotta upgrade my intenet connection and we're rockin!


Now all I need to do is save up for the diamond earrings I want... saw a pair on ebay that I love... only US$3189... MAN I have expensive taste! I want at least 1ct. I have no diamonds what so ever so I think I'm worth it. Maybe that'll be my birthday prezzie to myself next year ;} Consoled myself with a pair of fakeys, sweet sparkly goodness.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I know what darkness means

Had a bit of an odd experiance last night. Went to bed relatively early and I woke up at 12:15am busting for a pee. So I'm sitting on the loo in the dark when I hear running footsteps outside and voices. My first thought is 'just the neighbourhood boys up to their old tricks' when I hear what the voice is growling. "You fuckin cunt!, you dirty fuckin CUNT!" oooohkay methinks... so I race to my bedroom window to see what's going on but didn't get there in time to see what was going on but as the guy got to the corner of the street he really yelled it with vehemence. I've never heard such violence in someone's voice like that. Gave me the shivers a little. I dunno if he was chasing someone or going somewhere to sort someone out or had just sorted someone out. I only heard one set of running footsteps but that doesn't mean that the chasee wasn't light footed. Spooky shit. My head was running for a while after that and then of course I started thinking about work and just couldn't sleep until after 2:30am. And of course when it felt like I'd only just gotten back to sleep the fricken bird started cukcukcuking... hate that bird.

Love the longer days but man daylight savings makes me tiiired. I wanna go to bed early but if I'm going to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to sleep I'd rather go to bed later and try and sleep right through. I say try because I never sleep all night, I toss and turn a lot and wake up a lot during the night. Bad sleeper as you know.

Found another blog that I think will be added to my daily read list. Tis taking-steps.blogspot.com. This guy reminds me of me, only braver. I like to blog surf over my sambos at lunch and there's a lot of crap out there but in amongst the junk there are some gems. Blogs are funny in that I read about a person and I can't wait to read the next post and see how their day was. Maybe I'm just sad like that. Today's discovery is another one of those blogs. Even though I don't know these people I often wonder how Rosa is doing today, how Kate is coping with the impending move [and more importantly if Harry is coming too?], how atoep is handling being a dad, heheh TBC's latest poop post and now that Hermes has put up a full pic I'm in love, sexiest lips I've seen on a man. But that aside, I can't wait to read the next installment of his real-life fantasies. There are blogs like Worst Call that I wish would post everyday because she's[?] just too damn funny. You guys are my home away from home.

now playing: Fuel - Natural Selection
now reading: nothing... waiting for people to hurry up, got two books lined up

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

oh but wait there's more.

I hate it how when I'm plastered I get either the sneezles and will sneeze 20 times in a row or will get the fricken hicups for an hour [sneezles 10 mins ago.. now got the hicups dammit]

Can't remember if I have or haven't so linking again - check this out for the most amazing article/thesis on Tyler Durden vs Hobbes which shows the connection between Calvin & Hobbes and Fight Club - fascinating. Thanks Thom.

mmmmmmmm beer n peanuts

Damn what a combination. Beer n peanuts... not just any old nuts but roasted, salted peanuts.. mmmm salty lip goodness. I'm seriously tanked. To the point where it's hard to type but hey I'll make it through. One other reason that I want to move to Melbourne is that they have a public holiday on Melbourne Cup day. Lost in all my sweeps, had Distinction, Strasbourg and Kindjhal, fricken nags ;}. Of course the Diva was going to win. It was just beautiful. I tells ya, I can't wait to retire as pres of the ole social club. One more event [Xmas party] and then I'm so outta there! Just had one of my problems solved in that the next event planned is a BBQ in between the Melbourne Cup and Xmas and the golfers that we sponsor will be putting on a meaty feast for us. sweeeet. Had to do everything again as per fuckin usual... whatever

Watched eps 4 and 5 of Lost last night... boy oh boy do I love that show.... have I mentioned that lately? ;} It just gets more intriguing as each episode passes. BUT I know that it's one of the chicks who carks it, not MY Sawyer ;} It just shits me that they're on a 3 week break for some reason.. whaaaat? a 3 whole fucking weeks! how am I supposed to wait that long??? heheh I'll just have to hey?

Sorry for the long no writey. I do think about you a lot and I dunno why I've stopped writing on the weekends. It's not like I'm flat chat or nothing... just nothing really interesting to report. Like this weekend just passed. Did nothing but sit on the couch and my fat fuckin ass and plan my TV watching schedule. Just didn't feel like doing anything. I think it's a hangover from my smoking days. I'd kill for a fuckin joint at the moment but then at the same time I don't. Just a habit. I've lost count of where I'm up to... lemme see... shit it's been 3 months and 1 day since I've had a smoke. I miss it right now, this very second but that's probably cuz I've had a zillion beers.

Ollie update - was in the caf on friday getting my second cawfee of the day when in he walks, vids in hand. Saved him a trip he says. eeeexcellent. Considering that I'd been watching when he logged on to his computer and then went for my second cafe...;}. Anyhoo he hands me the vid that I lent him plus a Sevendust vid of his own to lend to me! YAY a further connection. Not that I'm thinking that way of course... he's just lending me a vid dammit ;} I just hate it how he makes me talk shit. I had a major case of footinmouth disease but I blame it on him. He makes me do it, just flusters me. So anyway I had to make him a copy of the vid that I lent him because he didn't have the facilities. So gee damn, I've got another opportunity to see him and further discuss our musical favourites. I've made a copy of course and I was planning on giving it to him tomorrow so I'll let you know how it goes. Dig Sevendust by the way, I remember the song with the chick from Skunk Anansie so he's saved me the trouble... sweet Ollie ;]

I really think I have to stop drinking now. Probably shouldn't have driven home and now because I still have beers in the fridge I'm continuing on so I'm pretty damn plastered. AND I've gotta go to work tomorrow. Can I just mention how much I hate daylight savings... it means hot days ahead and fuck I hate summer here. AND I'm fuckin tiiiirred! I'll probably crash early tonight thanks to Victoria Bitter but whatever.

Been looking at a new laptop as well as a broadband connection. fuckin sick of fuckin dialup. AND my fuckin shitbox of a computer. Think I'm going with an Inspiron 6000 but if you have any bad experiances with one please let me know. I haven't heard anything bad yet so please let me know.

Pretty funny... keep bumping the fricken beer bottles round the keyboard.. speakin of which.. need a refresh ;}.

Gonna be having Brie on english muffins for dins, can't fuckin wait.. YUM!

It's my birthday in a week tomorrow. my family keep asking me what I want. Apart from forgetting it for the first time I want Ollie, not something that they can give me. I'm a big believer that birthdays should be special but this year I don't give a fuck because no one else does. yeah yeah I'm feeling sorry for m'self. I'm having dins with my best mate this Saturday and having dins with my family on the actual day but apart from that I've reminded no one and don't really plan to. My other secret wish [apart from Ollie] is for a surprise party. I think I might organise that for myself next year. I'll have to fuckin organise it cuz no one else fuckin will. yeah yeah whatEVER

Love Nige from 104.7... just described Chad Kroeger from Nickelback as the Paddlepop Lion before he got his hair cut.. oh man nearly spat my peanuts at that.. too fuckin funny Nige. I have a special spot in my heart for Nige. He got me through the 2001 fires.. but that's another story for another time.

LOVE the smell in the air at the moment - sitting at my 'puter, window open and the smell of rain just passed is in the air. Love that shit.

Laughed my fuckin ass off at this [thanks Rosa ;}- I needed that!]


Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Tick those that apply...

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

__I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

__The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

__Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Alien uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.


Sincerely,

still playing: Deftones - White Pony [at work] Seether - Karma etc [in the car]
now reading: A kiss before dying - Ira Levin