Thursday, October 27, 2005

you move, like I want to

I know I've said it all week but I've REALLY got to get broadband. Today's my last day on the supercomputer and I'm really going to miss it. I think I've just got to upgrade full stop. Need to upgrade the shitbox and the connection. We shall see eh? It all comes to that elusive cash.

It's funny that when I'm here at Dad's I can't really think of what I wanted to write about. There were a coupla things I thought of today that I can't for the life of me remember now. [apart from yesterday's nail girly's shit breath - forgot to mention that. Smelt like she'd snacked on shit for lunch... woah ugh!] Maybe I'll remember when I get home.

Sometimes I really hate my dreams. I'm a really vivid dreamer and most of the super weird and colourful dreams happen in the early hours of the morning, from about 3am onwards. This morning's delight was me giving Josh Hartnett head whilst stoned. Hmmm what does that mean I wonder ;} Hate dreams like that because they stick with me all day, just keeps replaying over and over. Damn I hate ovulating sometimes.

A small observation - how is it that every James that I've ever met seems to be a bit of a cutie? Haven't met one yet who isn't. Odd.

Still no word from Ollie, it's been a week *sigh*, maybe tomorrow.

still playing: Deftones - White Pony
now reading: nothing... going to raid my Dad's library

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

ahhhh glorious broadband...

Had my monthly nail refill and let me just say that I am NOT going back to these folks. I thought I'd try yet a new girly as I wasn't really happy with the girl that I've gone to the last two times but this was even worse AND more expensive. She took extra long and I'm not happy with the work that she did as it's really blotchy. The first girl I went to was much better and was half an hour quicker [even though I wasn't really happy with her she's miles better than girly number 2]. This new girlie's boss was a total bitch too, just a bad vibe in that salon. It was so quiet, no background music and the boss just sat there watching. Really put me on edge. At one point she started 'debating' with the nail tech about the new Bio Gel S Gel which is coming out soon. They were basically arguing the same thing too which made it a bit funny but all in all a bad experiance. Wish my K8 was still doing nails.

Thank you to the Zippy who emailed me the .wmv of the sawyer/kate kiss... that's better than porn! That scene is one of the sexiest things I've ever seen. It's now on my precious [my XDAII] so it's available for my viewing pleasure wheneeeever I feel like it... niiiiice!

Nothing too exciting to report again tonight. Not feeling shite, not feeling fantabulous. Just.. myeh... just thought I'd check in ;}

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


DAMN I've got to get broadband! I'm house sitting for my dad and man I love his 'puter. I've spent most of my time generating themes for my O2 XDAII and it's so super quick on this PC. heheh about a zillion Sawyer themes.. hey, gotta have something to drool at. ;} Interestingly it looks like I might have a few trojan horse viruses on my O2 so dunno how they got there as I haven't synched it to any computer so it must have come with them! Interesting... good thing my Dad's got good virus security otherwise he'd be stuffed. Gonna see if there's a Pocket PC virus checker... dunno really

Not much to say tonight. I'm hungry and I haven't had chow yet so I'm heading off home to supply M'Lord with his cuisine and have a cuppa soup m'self. He eats better than I do sometimes ;} And of course there's nothing tasty here at my Dad's.

Had a soso day today, nothing really exciting to report. Snooty is fitting in well despite Mrs Hollingsworths thoughts. Mrs H's been on leave for the last 3 weeks and has just returned and is still in a funk. It was kinda nice not having her bitching and moaning all the time. I can understand where she's coming from as she just doesn't want to be working. It's hard coming back to work after 3 weeks off and I really understand where she's coming from but it just brings the whole office down. I'm just going to let her do her thing and concentrate on my stuff. Got so much to do and not enough time to do it in as usual. Hate that. I think I'm going to have to find another name for Snooty cuz despite my previous experiances with her she's not that Snooty. Mrs H calls her the Wonderchild but that's just because of the boss and how she goes on and on about how great she is. I'll think of something and get back to you.

Still no word from Ollie... I don't want to pester the poor chap but damn I wish he'd write. I'm getting withdrawal ;}

now playing: some weird jazz cd of my dad's
now reading: There's a bat in bunk five - Paula Danziger [I'm having a bit of a flashback moment with books as I'm waiting for my Ma to finish her new Ken Follett so I'm rereading some of my old books from when I was a young girl. Just loved this book and it's giving me flashbacks. I really wanted to be a camp counsellor after reading this book ;} ]

Monday, October 24, 2005

mondays suck

'Nother Monday over with... Got to work to find that we were in the middle of a power outtage AND I'd gotten in early to do some work... no power means no coffee... and no coffee on a monday morning when I'm already cranky because I'm awake and at work.... NOT a good thing. Need something to warm up the carefactor dammit! Had to suffice with tap hot water because of course the water boilers don't work with no fricken power and had to scrounge some coffee from the caf. So the lesson today was to make sure I have good coffee at work just in case. NOT a good start to the day. The outtage lasted an hour and a half and my options were a) clean up my desk b) do the filing or c) have a little snooze on the desk whilst waiting for the caffiene to kick in. I chose c. AS IF I'm going to be productive if I don't have to... sheesh! get real.

And no word from Ollie today. Lent him one of my bootleg Tool vids from a small club gig in '92 for his viewing pleasure. Did I mention that he's got unreal taste in music [as well as being tall and cute and smart and funny and a really snazzy dresser with way cool taste in shoes]? We pretty much like the same stuff. heheh I know because I tapped into his 'puter and ripped half of his mp3s. And we've been emailing about music. I can dream can't I? I think I think about him way too much. *sigh* Can't help it.

Rosa talking about tax has made me realise that I didn't do a tax return last year ARGH! They probably owe me money so I'm sure they won't chase me. I'll have to remember to do this years as well ;} fricken tax... hate it!

Switched on my cookie tracking thingo and damn there's a lot of fuckin cookies being put on your 'puter without you realising. They've all gotta ask me now... myah! I'm a bit worried about being on at the moment cuz it's storming pretty bad outside. When I was booting the box up there was this loud snick sound out the front of the house and then a massive thunder boom so I think lightning must have just zapped out the front somewhere. freaky! Scared the bejeezus outta M'Lord which was pretty funny ;}

I get episode 4 of Lost season 2 this week - can't WAIT! And I love my bro, he takes care of me.. huge thanks to him for the below [not that he reads my blog but sending out the thanks anyway]. He disected the whole smooch scene into a bunch of gifs for me mmmm Sawyyerrrrrr smoochalicious ;}

Friday, October 21, 2005

Do you believe in love, like I believe in pain

Feeling a bit low tonight - I must be getting Fridayitis as this is the second [or third?] Friday in a row. As I said before I think I'm just majorly bored. BUT I'm in a drinkin mood so my mood might improve ;}

I hate the power that music has over me. The combination of Seether and Deftones is making me yearn for someone and Kelly Clarkson just makes me cry. Whoever writes her lyrics just seems to have a knack for hitting the nail on the head. I'm sure that most people can relate to what she sings but you can't help feel that she wrote it just about you.

I'm not going to whine tonight... time for drinkin!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

My philosophy is things are just as wrong as they seem

Praps I'm being too judgemental here but pop quiz:

CG has cranky face on and is walking past you - Do you:

a) smile and say nothing
b) smile and walk away quickly
c) take your life in your hands and hassle her out about something stoopid and inconsequential thereby infuriating her further?

fricken Dilbert is just the most frustratingly irritating nerd I have ever come across but my contempt is colored by my pity for him. I just can't help feel sorry for him because he's just so.. so.. Dilbert. Super short, super unattractive, subzero personality, squeeky voice and yet I feel sorry for the dweeb. Every single thing that he does and says instantly raises my hackles and yet I try and find some iota of patience because he's such a loser and only his mother loves him. I just wonder what it would be like to be him and how much he deludes himself into thinking that people like him and that they're even remotely interested in anything that he says. at the EU meeting today when he left the room they instantly started bitching about him and yet I get the impression that he thinks that he's part of the gang. sad, so sad. I guess I'm just a sucker for an underdog and by sucker I mean I can't help but feel sorry for him, nothing like *that* ugh. I don't get me sometimes...

Need a chuckle - go and read Unfortunately it's no longer updated but damn hilarious if you read from the beginning. This guy really has a way with words and I nearly choked on my sandwich half a dozen times while reading. I almost want to work in a call centre ;}

Had my eyes hideously burnt today. On my way to the veggie market at lunch I'm in the car with my mate Lars and we're at the lights and she suddenly starts screaming [scared the bejeezus outta me for starters] So I'm all what? what? and she says LOOK while pointing with her eyeballs... In front of us at the lights was old fat dude on a motorcycle. Okay no big deal so I'm still not getting it... til I look lower... not only was this dude flashing a bit of buttcrack but it was the hairiest bit of celulite rippled buttcrack that I have EVER laid my eyes on. The image is burnt onto my retinas forever. You have no idea and I just don't have enough words to even begin to describe the horror. uhhhh *shudder* If only I'd been able to grab my camera phone quick enough I could have blinded you all mwaahahahaaa

Anybody know where Kate went? getting a 404...

I'm afraid that I'm developing a bit of a crush on Ollie. I'm so sad. I just can't help it. More gushing at a later stage... I'll just give you a terribly girly giggle teeheheheheeeee

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

this cool night air is curious, let the whole world look in

Could it be??? yes folks... a good week! AND productive! Can you believe it???!!! Having a neato email conversation with Ollie. Don't get too excited just cuz he's tall and cute and has unreal taste in music ;}

Not only has my fluey/coldy thing developed into razorblade throat but I've also got an ear infection. I haven't had one of these since I was a kid and fuck it's annoying! But on the plus side I didn't hear the fucking bird this morning so dunno if it just wasn't tweeting or whether the ear blocked it all out. fricken bird...

I've chickened out on calling WK. I still want to know but I feel like a doofus calling him now. Especially after what happened last time... what to do what to do? Opinions anyone?

Had a nice moment today - was getting some shitty litter for M'Lord an somehow [I can't work it out how cuz I'm sure I put it in my wallet properly] I dropped $20. The dude at the till ran out after me and gave it back. Niiiice! Usually you never see your money in situations like that. So when I got home I rang his manager to pass on my thanks. Legend!

What is it with you folks and my nails? I've had 6 visits from google links from a pic of my nails way back in May... So just for your viewing pleasure - here is a current pic! Still got the stickers on from trivia night.

Gotta go The Hoff is on Rove Live tonight. dig the Hoff!

Now playing: Deftones - White Pony [DIG this!]
still reading: Over the Rainbow: Tales of Fantasy and Imagination

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Soul searching and letting go

Been feeling really low this morning but I'm feeling a lot better now after sitting down and writing. A friend sent me the below a while ago and it's taken me the last couple of hours to sit down and think about it and write it up. I've only done the first one as the second one is harder for me to think about. So I'm warning you that this post is going to be a long one and may be one that you don't want to read cuz it's not juicy ;} I wrote it for me and now that I'm finished I feel like I've got a bit more of a plan and a way forward.


Clarity about what you want is an effective and powerful way to bring something into your life.

1. Write down all the things you want to create in your life now.
2. List your priorities
3. What do you think you need to do in order to get it?
How much time would it take?
How much energy do you need to put in?
How much commitment?
4. What is the benefit you would get from having this thing, abundance, health, or
whatever? (aliveness, freedom, peace of mind, beauty etc)
5. Are you already experiencing some of these qualities now, or how can you
experience this right now?


When you focus on past successes, you will also create a successful future

1. Think of something you want in your life now that you do not have as yet.
2. List the qualities you already have to make getting this a reality.
3. Think about anything that you did well in the past or imagine a future success.
Make it as real as possible, and experience the feelings in your body that this
success generated or will bring you.
4. Congratulate yourself on all past successes and all the things you do well right

My answers:

1. Write down all the things you want to create in your life now.

· A loving relationship with a caring man with possibility of marriage and
children in the future
· An excellent career in interiors/renovating
· Enough money to do what I want and not struggle to get by – ultimately financial
· Money for Mum’s financial retirement
· Better health and better figure
· More friends and fun

2. List your priorities

As above but to be negative for a sec - Need better health and better figure before number one can happen – got it stuck in my head that if I don’t love myself then no one else will? Self sabotage? Need to unprogram that thought. Okay so my priorities would be in this order:

· A loving relationship with a caring man with possibility of marriage and
children in the future
· Better health and better figure
· An excellent career in interiors/renovating
· Enough money to do what I want and not struggle to get by – ultimately financial
· Money for Mum’s financial retirement
· More friends and fun

3. What do you think you need to do in order to get it?
How much time would it take?
How much energy do you need to put in?
How much commitment?

· A loving relationship with a caring man with possibility of marriage and children in the future

What do I think I need to do in order to get it? I don’t know. Be more active. Keep looking. Stay optimistic. Don’t take the easy road. Accept that it won’t be easy and that it will be painful and difficult but in the end that the result will be worth the journey. Love and accept myself so that I can learn to let someone in. Trust myself. Trust someone else. Don’t be afraid of getting hurt. Don’t avoid situations where these possibilities could be a reality. Don’t self-sabotage. Don’t be afraid to let go. Don’t fear that I’ll be a bad mother, accept that no one is a perfect mother – it’s a part of living and learning. Don’t fear that I’m not good enough. Let the walls and barricades down, open up 100%.

How much time would it take? I hope not long but I’ve been waiting so long already that I fear it may never happen. I’d like to say 1 week because I think that I’m ready now but I just don’t really know for sure because I doubt myself too much. 1 week. It takes the right man and that’s what puts up the defences, finding him, knowing that it’s him. Have to keep trying and not be afraid.

How much energy do I need to put in? Whatever it takes. Not all my energy because I need some left over for me.

How much commitment? Total commitment.

· An excellent career in interiors/renovating

What do I think I need to do in order to get it? Trust myself. Don’t fear failure or that I’m not good enough. A leap of faith? More qualifications? More action and less thinking/dreaming about it. Look for opportunities and take them instead of being scared of them. Stop making excuses.

How much time would it take? It’s hard to say because it’s a leap of faith and depends on opportunities. That sounds like excuses. It would take no time at all, it will happen when I’m ready and I’m ready now. It’s time for a change and a change now before I start stagnating.

How much energy to I need to put in? A lot but it will be a labour of love rather than working to pay the bills. I can achieve job satisfaction and feel good at the end of the day. I will be able to not dread going to work every day and actually enjoy what I do again.

How much commitment? Again total commitment.

· Enough money to do what I want and not struggle to get by – ultimately financial retirement

What do I need to do in order to get it? Smart investments, good guidance and hard work.

How much time will it take? I want to say no time at all but while trying to stay realistic I realise that it would take some time for money to grow and investments to pay off. I’d like to win the lottery but chances are slim yet again I’m optimistic and I’ll always play the lottery on the chance that this is my week. Got to be in it to win it.

How much energy to I need to put in? Relatively little if it’s set up correctly in the first place. If strategies and plans are in place it will all come together with ease.

How much commitment? As always total commitment.

· Money for Mum’s financial retirement

This one flows on from the above. Money for me will also be money for Mum and everything above is applicable here.

· Better health and better figure

What do I need to do in order to get it? Be more active – go for a long walk every day, stop eating crap and start eating healthily. Stop dreaming and start doing. Believe that I’m worth the hard work. If I fail, don’t use it as an excuse to stop – just pick myself up and keep on going. I’ve made a step in the right direction with quitting pot so the next step is to start exercising regularly and starting to eat healthy foods and believe that I’m worth it. Start doing pilates or yoga for more flexibility and strength. Go to the gym to build muscles and burn fat. Walk every day. Eat more fresh vegetables and fruit. Cut out sugar and bad fats. Cut down on bad carbs. Drink more water. Take vitamins. Keep my focus. Keep my mind on the end result as it flows into other areas of my happiness. Stay positve. Stay on this plan for life. Believe that I’m worth it.

How much time will it take? A couple of months to get into a good routine and to retrain my mind and body to get out of the rut and laziness that I’m in. Probably 6 months to see some really good results.

How much energy do I need to put in? A lot but if I can stay focused it won’t feel like a lot. Once I take the first step it will get easier and won’t feel like a strain. It will become part of my daily routine.

How much commitment? Total commitment as I need to stick with this one for life. I would like to run again.

· More friends and fun

What do I need to do in order to get it? I think that this one will also flow on from all of the above. If I’m happier in myself then I’ll be happier to go and do things and not feel held back by myself or feel so alone. All of the above flow into this one. So I need to achieve the above creations. Need to stop hiding in my castle.

How much time will it take? One month. I need to get into a routine with everything else and the flow on effects will flow into this one.

How much energy do I need to put in? This won’t require a lot of energy as it will come easily.

How much commitment? Total commitment.

4. What is the benefit you would get from having this thing, abundance, health, or whatever? (aliveness, freedom, peace of mind, beauty etc)

The combined benefit that I would have from all of the above is happiness, self satisfaction, physical satisfaction and release, sense of achievement, security and comfort, peace of mind for my Mum’s future comfort and ability, a sense of place, increased health and abundance, aliveness, no sense of regret or that time is slipping by and that I’m doing nothing about it

5. Are you already experiencing some of these qualities now, or how can you experience this right now?

Sadly no, not yet. How can I experience this right now? Take action. Start doing instead of thinking/dreaming about possibilities. Stop dwelling on the past. Let myself rest – stop beating myself up, forgive myself for the past and things that I’ve done that I don’t like. Believe in myself. Know that I can achieve and be successful.

There's probably more that I could add but I'm happy with that as a start. It kinda all boils down to the fact that I'm afraid. I never really thought I was until now but writing all of that kinda makes it clear. So there ya go. Now the hard part, I'm putting it all out there and I'm going to go and put it into action. This is not something that I'm just going to write up and then forget about. I'm going to print it out and read it at least once a week to remind myself. In fact I think the next step is to write up an action plan.

Friday, October 14, 2005

a question

back after a bit of blog reading to fill in the time while my porn is downloading. Have I mentioned that I hate dialup? should really pull my finger out and get the old broadband happenin...

oh and the best free [and interesting] porn can be found at - helps if you know a little spanish but if not there's always Anything that says Bajar Video is good, most of the other links are to external sites.

Anyhoo reading Ms Bees Knees blog brings me to a question. Another fine post but her last question: "So my question to you is this [btw, my one virgin reader ::cough:: of course is exempt from this question]: What do you say or sound like when in the throws of passion?" brings me to a question - when are you not a virgin? Is it when you've had your first orgasm, self induced, or is it the first sexual intercourse experience? Had to look up the word virgin for further clarification:

1. Coitus between humans.
2. Sexual union between humans involving genital contact other than vaginal penetration by the penis.

Coitus what a great word. Could you read masturbation into definition number 2? If that's the case then I was a non virgin a long time before I becoming a non virgin according to definition 1. Interesting concept - that's your thought for the day. Bing! porn's ready. Tom Sizemore porn. good porn name for an actor ;}

Lets keep it friendly

Still feeling like I'm swallowing razorblades everytime I swallow but don't feel so ooky. Everything sounds really far away which is a bit interesting. But ugh the nightsweats are gross, not just light sweats but drenching sweaty sweats. Just wanna have a shower in the middle of the night when I wake up. eeuuuwww. I'm hoping to spend most of the weekend in bed. heheh want to do it anyway because I need some serious rest after the last coupla hectic weeks but hey good excuse n'est pas?

Forgot to tell you that I've seen eps 2 and 3 of Lost and my oh my is it getting interesting. I'm such a sucker for a cliffhanger and I think that's half the reason I love it so much because it's one long cliffhanger. I just love this show and thank fuck for technology because it's not going to be shown on the idiot box here until Feb 06. Cannot WAIT til the next episode!

I'm quite bored tonight. Nothing to do and no one to do it with. I've got booze to drink but I'm just not in the mood even though I want the altered consciousness. Damn you throat. I thought maybe a bit of quality computer time might scratch the itch but sorry folks but I'm just not in the mood for you either. What am I upt to now... 2 and a half months without pot.. borrred! But good, don't worry I'm not even remotely going back. Just wish I had something else to fill in the boredom with. Like sex. Sex would be good. *sigh* boorrrred! Oh well off to browse internet porn.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

all the small things

Been feeling a bit fluey the last coupla days. Had mega feverish nightsweats last night. talk about gross out. VERY weird dreams, weirder than usual for me which is super weird ;} Was scribing last night and at one point I thought I was going to pass out in front of everyone. I feel a bit better today but I think it's thanks to paracetamol and a zillion vitamins.

Can I just say that I hate red wattle birds. This little fuck is making my sleeping life hell! For the past 4 weeks this little fucker has been waking me up at sparrows fart in the morning with it's most irritating cukcukcukcuking at what was first 5:36am then 5:01am and last week it was 4:31am and now it's fricken 4:01am! And it's exactly on the dot. I'm a really light sleeper and the minute I hear it I'm awake, pissed off and swearing. To the point where I cannot get back to sleep and have to put ear plugs in so that I can at least get back to sleep for another couple of hours. I'm about this far away from going outside and shooing the bloody thing away. but getting up out of bed is worse than waking up because I'll probably have to do it a few days in a row to make sure it stops it's annoying call.

But on the plus side I've got a little magpie family nesting nearby and the mama and baby like to sit in my courtyard in the afternoon. The baby perches in one of the trees squeeking and waiting for food, cute little fluffy thing. Of course His Lordship likes it to. M'Lord is an indoor cat, he only comes outside with me when I go and get the mail in the afternoons and yesterday afternoon when we went outside Mama was sitting on the wall with bugs in her mouth and of course M'lord went into stalking mode while somehow mama was making her alarm cry around her mouthful. I promptly scooped him up, popped him back inside while staying outside. I told her it's okay to go ahead and feed her baby and she watched me for a sec then hopped along the wall to the tree and stuffed baby's gob while I watched. I just love maggies :]. Smart little birdies. I've been leaving food out for them so I hope they stay around a while. Red wattle birds can get fucked but my maggies are a different story. I'll see if I can get some pix of my birdy family for you.

You know that I love my sitemeter but I had my weirdest visitor link today - from a google pic of my nails! Which are looking fab at the moment if I do say so myself - I've got little flower stickers on from last friday. Should really take a pic before I take them off.

And like most blogs recently I've had to go the way of the word verification thingo for comments cuz I'm sick of deleting stooopid spam. Screw you spammers!

Anyhoo I really should go to bed early as I'm still feeling shite and after last night's escapades I should rest up. Nighty night!

Now playing: the radio
Now reading: Over the Rainbow: Tales of Fantasy and Imagination [it's a collection of short stories that I got when I was kid and first got hooked on reading. Uncovered it when going through some of my old stuff and as I'm between books it's interesting to reread these tales]

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Cause my heart so much misery

Mkay should I tell you the whole story or should I tell you what happened when I called him first? heheh Okay the whole story first then ;}

Had the Trivia Night on Friday which was bloody awesome!! Great food, great company, great free booze. My table tied for first and we lost in the tiebreaker challenge dammit. One of those lemon races where you have to transfer the lemon down the line under your chin - so chin to chin with your partner. I was totally schnockerd by then so I didn't really care that we lost. Had four hours of free booze down my gullet so what the hey! Kept having mini flirting sessions with Ollie which was interesting. I've got some VERY funny photos from the night as I've got everyone to email me their pix.

Anyhoo 12:30am rocks around and we all get kicked out of the venue and head out to the local Irish pub for further drinkiepoos. I have this really bad habit of getting bored and just pissing off. So after a drink or two [who knows?] I think fuckit I'm outta here and head out the door because I was bored. Ripped off my shoes as they were killing me [I remember thinking "get these bastards off me" heheh] and staggered off in the rain [I like walking in the rain by the way]. The Irish isn't too far away from my house so I decided to walk home. I got about half a K away and then decided to go back to the pub for more drinks because it was wahay too early to go home really [2am].

So I'm close to the pub and decide to put my shoes back on so I sat down in a store doorway and I got one shoe on okay but the other one was proving to be a bit tricky. When all of a sudden a tall, cute guy in a suit wanders round the corner and asks me what I'm doing. I told him I couldn't put my shoe on so he put it on for me and helped me up. He asked me what I was doing out here all by myself and I told him that I was walking home. He said I shouldn't be out here by myself and that I should get a cab. It being the middle of the night and us being in the middle of a deserted business district I asked him to show me a cab... nope no cabs around. He asked me where home was so I told him which suburb and he said he was walking home to the next suburb so we decided to go and get something to eat first then walk home together. So we walk over to a hotdog caravan which is at the end of the business district on the way home and he bought me a hotdog with cheese and bacon bits and had one himself. DAMN good - my fave drunken food.

So we stumble off chatting about this and that - what I can remember is that he was at a football presentation night, he's 28, likes to fish, works for a major softdrink retailer. I remember some other bits but it's all a bit fuzzy. I asked him if he minded if I took his arm as I was stumbling a bit and he didn't so we walked home arm in arm trying not to stumble too much. I'd ripped my shoes off at some stage too and walked home barefoot. BOY did my feet hurt the next day but I'm getting too far ahead here.

So we get to the corner of his suburb and mine and... I'm even too embarrassed to write about it. Can we just say that I was an idiot and just walked off without exchanging numbers or any of that shit? Anyway two seconds later I realised what an idiot I was being and walked back but he was already gone. I cried and kicked myself all the way home and of course it really started pouring with rain then. [it had only been sprinkling as we were walking] Got home feeling absolutely miserable and fell into bed, I barely remember it being 4am and must have crashed because I woke up at 9:30am and my bedside light was still on. My head was pounding and I just felt so bad about the White Knight [because he came to my rescue with my shoe ;} ] and just kicked myself about it all weekend.

So anyway back to tricky wench me - as you know yesterday I charmed his work mobile number out of the company he works for and the guy that was temping for him that I spoke to said that he was on 1 weeks holiday and that I should ring him back on monday. Me being Miss Impatient, of course then got his home number and have been thinking about whether to ring him at home or not all day. So tonight I bite the bullet. I thought I'll give him a buzz at least so I can apologise for being such a dick if nothing else. Been thinking about what I was going to say all day... even had something for if I got his answering machine because what if he's gone fishing on his week's holiday [yes I overthink things too much]. So I'm pacing around the loungeroom - I dialled his number a zillion times without pressing Call, chickening out then dialling again then I thought fuckit, pressed Call and it started ringing... and ringing and ringing. Bad enough that I was freaking out, I either wanted an answering machine or an answer not ringing limbo... When the phone is picked up... by a girl! NOOOO! Totally threw me as that was not what I was expecting. So I calmly say "Can I speak to WK please?" She says "he's not here right now, who's calling?" FUCK! I just mumbled "It's [madeup name] I'll just catch him at work bye!" and hungup! shit fuck shit fuck shit fuuuuuuuuuuck!!

Okay so what is going through my head now are a coupla things:

1) it's a sister/friend housesitting while he's at the coast fishing
2) it's his girlfriend and boy is he going to have some splaining to do when he gets home. If I was a girlfriend and had that sort of phonecall I'd want to know what the fuck that was all about.

So my options now are:

1) call him at work on Monday and pretend I never called his home and don't have his home number
2) leave it at that and forget about him.

I'm not naive and it did cross my mind that he has a girlfriend and that he was just being nice and making sure I got home okay. But hey he was really really really nice and I'm an optimist. I'm going to call him on Monday, is that stoopid? I need to know one way or another. I just can't leave it at this. I do feel bad about the way that I left him on Friday and I do want to say sorry even if he does have a girlfriend. Then I can really let it rest and not wonder if it was a sister/friend. I HAVE to know. The curse of curiosity.

I swear I don't need a boyfriend, I drive myself insane with this shit. My stoopid brain just won't let me rest. I've replayed certain scenes from Friday over and over and over again and cringe every single time. I just wish that I could let myself rest. Bits with him and bits at the trivia night - bits I can blame on drunkenness teehee. You want an example - how's this for dumb [dumb as in I won't leave myself alone about it]. With the trivia questions they had bonus questions between rounds where they ask the question, you run up to the stage and give the answer except the and the answer was always the Hoff. As in "Who arrested Russell Crowe for phone abuse?" The Hoff [flash up pic of the Hoff arresting Russ from joke email] "Who is on the US$1 bill?" The Hoff [flash up pic of the Hoff $1 bill from joke email] The prizes were a bottle of plonko reddo or bubblo and I was keen for a bottle for my table. So the question is "Who else besides Buffy can slay vampires?" Me being a Buffy fan thinking I'm clever, run up to the stage and say Faith DOH!! no it's Hoffy!! fuck! Dammit I KNEW that but even so... fuckin idiot. kickin myself in the butt all fuckin weekend about that. Damn alcohol soaked brain....grrrrrrr

So there ya have it... a good and bad weekend in one. And I'm still tired so I'm going to bed because I've pissed myself off with reliving all of this and I'm kicking myself in the butt all over again. AND now I've got to try and be patient and wait til Monday til I find out the truth about the White Knight who could actually turn out to be the Black Knight ;} *sigh* why do I do this to myself????

Monday, October 10, 2005

DAMN I'm good!!!

A quick update as I've got about 10 mins before I have to go but depending on how tired I am when I get home I'll post the whole story. BUT I think I've found him!! Damn I'm a tricky wench! Rang up where he said he works and asked for [hmm what do I call him - the White Knight for reasons I'll explain later] the White Knight and there were heaps of WK's so we narrowed it down slightly and the kind fella on the phone gave me a mobile phone to ring. So I rang the number and found out that he's on one weeks holidays!! So I could wait and ring him back in one week... but no... I rang back the kind fella and asked for WK's last name... and then looked him up in the phone book and I've got his home number!!!

Now the question is: [and if I could find a blogpoll I'd put it up -maybe later] Is it too stalkerish if I ring him at home? I'm desperate to talk to him and I don't think I can wait a week... Comments please [anonymous if you like?]

back later!

Sunday, October 09, 2005

It's official, I'm an idiot

I'm still recovering from my hangover from Friday night. What night... I don't quite have the time to explain all at the moment but it was a great night that ended badly because I'm a fuckin eeediot! Met a really cool guy. But because I'm an idiot I don't have his phone number... But I have a way of tracking him down. It might be tricky but first thing Monday morning I'm going to try. This man was unreal. And I'm a fucking idiot. I promise I will explain, hopefully later today but probably tomorrow. Gotta go birthday prezzie shopping for my bro... his birthday is today! nothing like the last minute *sigh* I'm such an idiot

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Night fall covers me, but you know the plans I’m making,

two posts in one day! it has been a while eh?

Finally a new post from This is a hilarious blog and like all good blogs tend to die for a bit but yay he/she is back! If you've got some spare time to read it it's well worth it. I hate being called by telemarketers and most people who know me that I screen calls after 6pm but my fave trick if I do pick up the phone to a telefucker is to say "hold on a sec I've just gotta take something off the stove" then stuff the phone down the side of the couch for the next hour and see how long it takes them to hang up. I usually just cut them off and say I'm not interested but geez they can fuck me off sometimes.

I haven't had much time for blog surfing apart from reading the daily reads. Two things I hate though while I'm bitching - when people take the blogger bar off so that I have to go back before going forward [they're an automatic pass] and people who put in javascript popups that mean jackshit. fuckin annoying.

Can't remember if I've told you about Dilbert at work. This dude IS Dilbert, I shit you not. Only with less personality so perhaps he's really Wally. He has this tendancy to just start telling you about his life in extreme detail for no apparent reason and I was his target today. He's also the one who despite me asking him very politely not to pounce on me first thing in the morning as I'm walking in and wait 20 mins or so til I've warmed up my carefactor with a cawfee or two before asking me stoooopid questions that he knows the answers to or telling me a follow up from a task that I really don't give two shits about, continues to bug me before I've had the required amount of caffeine. As I was filling up my water bottle this afternoon he proceeded to regale me with tales of his weekend in Sydney at the NRL grand final blahdeblahdeblah. And insinuated that he almost picked up which I tried REALLY hard not to spit out a bwaahahahahaaa at. I really wish that I had words that would give you even half an inkling of what this dilbertlike dude is really like. Again if I didn't feel so sorry for him I would post his pic for you to laff and laff at. and speaking of laffing at dilbert I'm gonna have to scan in my faves that are pinned to my office at work. Never fails to crack me up.

It's almost a month til my birthday YIKES!!!! what do I want for my birthday? The one thing that no one can buy... a boyfriend.

now playing: Duran Duran
now reading: well rereading for lack of a better book - The Name of the Rose - Umberto Eco [one of my fave books]
how I looove long weekends... in fact I'm slacking off this morning just because I don't want to go back to work. Ok that's a lie, I am actually doing work but I feel like I'm slacking. Highlight of my weekend - Beautiful sunny day, lying in the cool grass under a tree reading my book. SO good.

Can't wait til Friday, I've got 70 people confirmed and hopefully when I get to work there will be more. Just realised how much I have to do when I get to work.. UGH!

Freaked me out about the Bali bombings on the weekend. I was sposed to be there! A group of my friends are over there and I didn't go because I can't really afford it at the moment and I've got friday's event [which I organise every year]. I rang my mates on Sunday morning and they're all ok, a bit shaken, but they weren't in the vicinity when the bombs went off and they're staying in Kuta til the end of the week. Can't wait to give them a big hug when they get back. Scared the shit out of me when I couldn't get through the first coupla times but I can imagine that the mobile lines were jammed bigtime. I can't believe that these terrorists want to hurt their own people like this. Not just the physical terror but the economic repercussions that follow. It's taken 2 years for them to bounce back from the last one and now this. I just don't get it. It's funny how things work out.

I've been having some seriously weird dreams lately. I wish I could decifer some of the shit that flies round my brain. I've always been a bad sleeper but it's just getting worse, and I'm sleepwalking again [snap Kate ;} ] I keep waking up looking out the window. Found myself at the computer this morning heheh can you say stressing about work?

Speaking of which I should really get back to work before I have to go back to work :]