Friday, September 09, 2005

Kom saam met mij

Another hideous week over with... the theme of this week has been "why does it have to be so fuckin difficult???" But I'm not going bore you with the whiny details. There's only so much I can whine before I'm even bored with myself. I'm pretty much off my tits right now so even I don't care. Had a bit of an extended arvo at the pub so if this is all incoherent then deal with it heheh Currently drinking vanilla vodka with triple sec and old style lemon cordial. Not bad and quite knockbackable. it's either that or plonko reddo and I'm not in the mood for opening a bottle... just need something to top it all off nicely.

Anyway it was my one month anniversary of not smoking pot this week. Haven't been this straight in years and in a way I feel really boring but it's probably just my warped perception of myself once again. The main differences I'm finding are that I feel more tired than I did when I was smoking which is a bit odd and the fricken dreams that are coming out... woah... really odd shit even for me who dreams so vividly anyway. I guess it's just my suppressed subconcious finally freed. Who knows.

Had a dream about my ex, asshole1, last night and of course I've been thinking about him all day. He was my first real serious boyfriend. In the dream we were sitting on a bed and he was showing me his new tattoos [he had 2 at the time when we went out] which were pretty cool [I like tattoos] and I was scratching his back and giving him a head massage which he used to love. Woke up from the dream just yearning for a relationship again. While he sucked towards the end of our relationship while we went out he was gold. I've still got some of the love letters he wrote to me. He was a writer [and a singer] and of course he had a way with words.... I'm half tempted to reread his letters with the mood I'm in right now. heheh I know I'll just end up crying so I'll save myself the heartache.

I was reading someones blog today and they had this quote:

"We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

That kinda summed up our relationship. He persued me and made me love him. He looked at me with such adoration it scared me in the begining. But he persisted and wore me down and in the end I was hopelessly in love with me and then he ditched me and pulverised my heart with cruelties. But when I think about the relationship I want, I can't help but want the emotional intensity of him combined with the sexual intensity of asshole2. asshole1 was the only guy I ever felt like we 'made love' though. Man I hate those words... it's the equivalent of the word cunt for some people. Cunt doesn't bother me but 'making love' and panties do. It's mostly sex to me which is cool but I think that 'making love is just so corny and it's rare. Panties... I just dunno... the word bugs me for some reason I can't really put into coherent words.

anyway asshole1, as fucked up as he was, was always so sweet to me until the end. I'm cursed with a weird kind of foresight where I can tell when a relationship I'm in is going to end. I knew about a month or so before that he was going to call it off. He was no perfect man but boy did I love him. Physically he was no pretty boy and he was way shorter than me but I just didn't see any of that. He was smart and funny and he wrote me love letters. Dammit I know I'm going to read those fuckers by the end of the night I just know it. Maybe I just need to excise that demon at the moment. I haven't really thought about him since the last time we spoke about him and the last time I saw him was about 4 or 5 years ago when he came over for... some reason I forget now. I've actually still got some of his cds so I should drop them off to his godson's parents who live up the road from me. That's one thing I always loved about him too. His dedication to his godchild. It made me want to be a godparent as well and now that I am I understand his devotion. I think I just want to make contact with him again for whatever reason.

My favourite dream interp site says this about ex-boyfriends:

To see an old ex-boyfriend from childhood in your dream, refers to a freer, less encumbered relationship. The dream servers to bring you back to a time where the responsibilities of adulthood (or marriage) didn't interfere with the spontaneity of romance. You need to recapture the excitement, freedom, and vitality of youth that is lacking in your present relationship.

yeah no shit.

I've been dreaming about travelling again too. I'd really like to just sell my house and just fuck off somewhere. Wouldn't mind going around Oz as I've only really seen a few places compared to the rest of the world that I've seen. heheh I'm coming up to long service leave [gasp!] so we'll see eh?

anyway I dunno where all this is leading and I'm too smashed right now to care or write more. To sum up, I think I just need some sort of deus ex machina at the moment...



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