Wednesday, August 31, 2005

unfolded soul

I've been wanting to share this with you for a while but I keep forgetting to post it. It's the closest thing to a pic of me that you'll probably get. I was "unfolded" by Parker [see the link on the right] and I just love what he did with it. Basically you submit a pic and answer a question and he 'unfolds' you. My question was "tell me about the night" My answer is the text in the pic.



hell I may chicken out and take this down after a while so peek while you can.

Right on the wrong side of it all

"It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all"

I'm starting to understand how true that is. For a long time I haven't wanted to love again. Too afraid of getting my heart stomped. It's funny how you bitch when you're in a relationship but you're equally as miserable when you're not. I've never really been unhappy while I was in a relationship, it's just afterwards when I find out the whole truth and the things that I've been blind to. I don't want history to repeat itself but I'm sick of feeling so alone. I can't just be with any old someone so that I don't feel alone though. Maybe I'm too picky or idealistic for my own good but I would rather be alone that be with someone who isn't quite right. I want to feel sparks fly around us when we meet. I want to feel that instant magnetism. Does it exist or is it just a hollywood fable? I want to give up looking because it's tiring and oh so daunting but at the same time I can't because you never know who's around the corner or behind door number 2. You just never know where "he" is... if there is a "he". I'm just eternally optimistic that there is a "he" that just clicks with me, like a puzzle piece.

I think I've just been single for too long and it's doing my head in. I hate being so jealous of couples happily walking hand in hand. I hate it that it makes me cry when couples get together at the end of the movie [like Bridget Jones for example]. I want it all so desperately and yet I won't settle for just anyone so that I can have that. I'm my own worst enemy.

fuck it, this is going nowhere.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

too tired to think up a title

My Ma is finally home. Took 3 fricken hours to get her out of the damn hospital though but tis all good. No more hacking up a black lung and burning my eyes with flashing alien minge from Dotty, that in itself is a blessing. Can't remember if I told you about her false teeth... I was visiting on the weekend and they'd moved Dotty from her bed to the chair and she was dozing and suddenly started hacking up a big lunger and coughed so hard that her false teeth shot across the room. I tried so hard not to laugh so loud but all I saw from behind the curtain was a pair of teeth flying through the air. Poor old bat.

Not much to say today. Too bloody tired. off to bed

Monday, August 29, 2005

And I know things never feel the way that's right inside

Had a way cool friday. Had a farewell lunch for my Pookie which turned into all afternoon drinkies. Plied my new boss with booze so she stayed out with us. Spent the afternoon drinking, playing pool and shooting the shit. Love those afternoons...And got a bit of a confidence boost too cuz I got chatted up by 3 fellas during the session. No one of interest but damn it felt good. And just for the record I'm not one of those girls who won't give you the time of day. If a guy has the guts to come up and chat to me I figure I can at least give him the time of day. One of them was bloody hilarious but he only came up to my boobs [good for him I guess]. Not that I'm shortist but I'm really looking for a tall guy this time around. I've done the short guy thing and I'm after a guy I can at least look in the eyes [I'm 183cm]. It's funny because I was threatening to smother my new boss with my ginormous breasts when she kept kicking my butt at pool. Such a funny afternoon, haven't had one of those in a while and man did I need it after such a shite week.

We get to write up our team rules tomorrow. These are the unspoken rules like ring the boss if you're going to be in later than 9:30am, flex sheets in every fortnight blahdeblah. The one rule that I'll be contributing will be "No asking CG questions before first coffee". No shit. I'm not a morning person and my carefactor takes a while to warm up from it's chilly -40 when I step in the building. I cracked up at our Infrastructure team's rules - the most notables - "farting and running a way is not considered funny [which was the team LEADER's favourite trick] "hand cupping farts is also not funny nor is "pull my finger"". spoil sports... ;}

Spent most of the weekend sanding and painting so my arms, back, shoulders and armpits feel like blocks of wood. It was a bit hard getting out of bed this morning thats fur shur. Don't feel as bad as I expected so looks like the workouts are doing the trick.

My Ma is doing well, she should be out of the hospital tomorrow. She's hobbling around on crutches and thank fuck she will be out of that hospital. The woman she's sharing a room with is an absolute nightmare! She must be at least 1000 and moans and mumbles to herself all the time. I'm not sure if she's all there and I'm so glad my mum is deaf and can't hear half the shit that goes on. I had the grossest, most awful image burned in my brain tonight thanks to her. I dropped in to see how Ma was going as she got her crutches today. Dotty was sitting on her bed as I came in and I smiled hi. I chatted with Ma for a while and then decided to have a spin on the crutches and as I got up to hobble about i glanced over to Dotty who was sitting on her bed facing me, shortie nightie on... legs spread wide... with no undies on... MY EYES!!!! MY EYES!!!!!!! IT BURRRRNS!!!! I don't know what sort of alien landscape she's got down there but I'm not even going to gross you out with the details because I'm to scarred to even go there again. uuuuhhhhhhhhh *shudder*

Thanks to TBC I spent the afternoon pretending to do work because of this blog IDIOTS AND A JOURNAL OF THE DISGUSTING GIRL AT WORK Can't wait for the next installment of The Disgusting Girl I work with... I can't believe that there's really people out there like her. Mind boggling.

I'm fascinated by this guy's blog Dive Bar Verses too. It really appeals to my dirty dark side. And he's got pretty lips.

3 weeks without pot today. Been doing good but had a craving on Friday but I was too drunk to do anything about it. And now I have nothing to do while my stoopid slowass computer loads levels in Red Faction2. Those loadups were perfectly timed for coneheads I tells ya. *sigh* how I miss my green love.

Can you believe that it's fucking spring in a couple of days? Where the hell has the year gone? who sped up time... c'mon, fess up! At least daylight savings will come around again. I'm sick of it being dark so early. Just dreading the heat, I'm so a winter gal it's just not funny. It's almost Christmas, hell it's almost my birthday... geez not again.

now playing: Seether [on high rotation, love the afrikaans track verdomme!]
now reading: Angels and Demons - Dan Brown [started reading this at the hospital while waiting for Ma's Xrays on Thursday as it was in her bag so finished up ADF and continued reading this]

Thursday, August 25, 2005

And so we go back to the remedy

Sometimes I really hate it when I'm right... Spent most of the night in hospital with my Mum. She was at the snow this week and at about quarter to six I got an SMS saying that Mum had fractured her pelvis and was being ambulanced from Cooma to home. I thought it was my brother pulling my leg as it's an ongoing joke with us as this is not the first time we've had a call from Cooma Hopsital saying that they've got my Ma. The first time she clipped a tree and broke her leg in 2 places and fractured her kneecap, the second time she'd fallen over and crushed her vertebrae, the third time she'd fallen and strained ligaments and now this. My Ma and bro have the same mobile numbers except the last digit which is 4 for my Ma and 5 for my bro. I always get them mixed up so I thought it was him having a lend of me... but no. It was my mum's best mate, Jay, using my Mums phone.

So I rang up to find out what was going on and Jay was a bit pissy as she'd been at the lodge drinking plonko redos while Ma was out skiing. And she's all laalalaaaablah de blah while I'm trying to cut to the chase and find out what the fuck is going on. So I rang Perisher Medical centre and they said that they were going to chopper her back home and that they were expecting the chopper to touch down in 5 mins or so and it would take an hour to get back home. Cool. So I wait an hour then ring the hospital here to see if she'd arrived but nope, not yet. So I went to her place to pack a bag and get her makeup [she's one of those people who never goes out without her face on... geez wonder where I get that from.] And rang the hospital again... nope still not there. So 2 hours goes by and I'm ringing the hospital up every half an hour to find out what is going on. Finally I couldn't sit around any longer and went to go and wait in the Emergency Department and luckily when I got there she had arrived and I could see her.

She was waiting on a trolley bed in the corridor as they were waiting for a bed in ICU so that she could be assessed by the orthopedic surgeon. A very cute Ambo was taking care of her and she was pretty chipper but I dunno if that was because of the morphine that they'd given her. I didn't know whether to hit her or kiss her when I saw her. I was so pissed off because this is the last thing she needs right now. I was concerned for her but more pissed off because I've banned her from skiing and she's SO banned from EVER skiing again. I mean how many bones does she have to break before it sinks in? My bro and I are going to hide her skis just in case... she's a stubborn wench. I'm so scared of losing her anyway with this whole brain tumour thing and this certainly doesn't help my state of mind. It's weird cuz I had a funny feeling about this trip for a couple of weeks before she left. I didn't want to say anything as it could have been all in my head and I was envisioning them plunging off a cliff in the car so I'm glad it's nothing like that. I'm one of those people who usually trusts my intuition because most of the time I've been proven right. I usually know who is on the phone when it rings [without looking at caller ID] and I love freaking people out with that little party trick. I just don't like giving thoughts like that a voice because I don't want to manifest them into real life.

Anyway I went back to her place to get some stuff that she requested while she was waiting to be assesed and by the time I got back she was in ICU. I'm so glad that she's deaf because there was a little boy in there who was just screaming and screaming. Really chilling to hear but he eventually quieted down, hope he's okay too. The resident came in to ask her lots of questions and as I was standing there [only one chair in the cubicle] I started feeling really faint so I had to sit on the floor before I passed out. That's not like me so I guess it was just shock or relief or something. I was a bit stressed but didn't feel too shocked by it all, more relieved that she was finally back in town and in hospital infront of me so dunno what that was all about. I used to get a lot of fainting spells when I was in puberty so I know when I'm about to pass out which is lucky for me otherwise they would have had the two of us in ICU ;} The resident gave her a bit of a scare when she said that Mum might have to have an operation because the Perisher medico said that she'd probably be in hospital for a few days then up and walking so when she heard that... the look on her face... not good.

Anyway when I left at 1am they still hadn't taken the second xrays and didn't have a bed on the ward available. I rang this morning to see how she was and she was sitting up having breakie which was a definate improvement as they wouldn't let her sit up last night. The nurse said that the second xray confirmed that she wouldn't need the operation so that was a HUGE relief.

Went to see her during my lunch break and they've already tried to get her up and about with one of those wheelie walker frames. She was still in ICU as they didn't have a bed available but she should be on the ward now. She'll probably be there for a coupla days and then she'll be coming home. But she's doing good which I'm so relieved at. She even asked for chocolate so I think she's definately on the mend. They think it will take 5-6 weeks to heal but I can imagine that it's going to be one of those "aching hips when it's raining" things. Jay has just SMSed me to say that she's back in one piece, she had to drive Ma's car back from the snow so I'm glad she's okay too. Bloody parents... I swear it's payback... I really do. And hell I guess I've got a lot of making up to do. But in the end, it's all good.

now playing: Seether
still reading: A Dangerous Fortune - Ken Follett

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

'cause it's time to be what I need to be

Hallefuckinlujah can a I get an amen!!!!! Just had the best validation of the last 18 months of hell. I've just had my annual performance appraisal and finally got confirmation from my big boss that my ex fuckwit asshole buttmunch boss had no idea what was associated with my job or the challenges associated with it. THANK YOU!!! I feel like a weight has been lifted and that I'm not just bitching and moaning about nothing. He even admitted that it was apparent that my ex fucktard boss obviously had no understanding of my role and that he had underestimated me. *does the happy dance* yeah baby!!!!!

And it was also announced that one of the gals I work with will be our new boss for the next 12 months. This is a good thing! We have very similar work styles and think along the same lines so I'm quite looking forward to it. I don't envy her as it's going to be a huge challenge dealing with one particular person in the team who is just fed up. Rightly so too because she keeps getting kicked when she's down and it's partly fucktards fault. even though he left in early June we're still picking up the pieces. His influence [or lack thereof] is still being felt and unfortunately she's bearing the brunt. I'm not sure what I can do to help her but I'm glad she's at the stage that she is because if I were in her place I would have been there 8-10 months ago. But I think she's learning some very valuable lessons. I could have applied for the job but there is no way that I wanted it. Too many contracts and tenders to deal with and that just bores the pants off me. So the next 12 months will certainly be very interesting.

Scamming internet fucks have ripped off the non profit organisation that I'm webmistress for. Unfortunately they were suckered into the Domain Names of America and Domain Names Australia scams and paid $220 to these folks. Sucks when these people can't really afford to fritter away that money. If they'd only checked with me first but I appreciate why they didn't. We have a long running 'argument' over paying the internet bills in that I won't let them pay for my services or our host and domain name. It's not much money in the grand scheme of things but when I created their page I promised them that it wouldn't cost a cent and I'm sticking to it regardless of their budget grant increase. A promise is a promise until I stop being their webmistress. The person that submitted a website proposal to them before me was going to charge $600 a month plus all the internet costs... uhh hello... non profit organisation! In reality it doesn't take up much of my time but it's the principle that counts. If only they could get their money back but they can kiss it goodbye.

I was going to do some work work tonight but I'm too happy so I'm going to veg on the couch for the first time in what seems like forever. Last Man Standing is on tonight and I'm really digging this show. The fact that Rodger Courser [Adam in the show] looks like one of my exes has nothing to do with it ;} Tis a good Aussie made show.

Now playing: VAST
Still reading: A Dangerous Fortune - Ken Follett

Monday, August 22, 2005

Da doiing doiing doiinnnggggg

I was gonna post something along these lines today but Jelly beat me to it [bar the corns part - what the hell is a corn anyway.. thought it was something you eat... I'm imagining a corn kernel sticking out of her toe]. If you're only as old as you feel I must be 75 today. Had an irritating dream about work just before I woke up this morning and I dunno why but I feel ultra tired today. Weird dreams all night last night. I spose I didn't get any brain rest because I was dreaming so vividly. Hate that... I guess there really isn't any rest for the wicked ;}

And while we're talking about Jelly, she's beat me to another topic that has been puzzling me lately, fat girls in skinny clothes. I just don't understand how a lady of larger size can look at herself in the mirror and think "mmmm that looks good" when wearing muffin top inducing tight jeans with a skimpy halter top? I'm no stick figure but I dress for my size. Camouflage the bad bits and enhance the good bits. I NEVER wear short sleeves and if I do they're three quarter sleeves. Then again I'm paranoid about my flabceps but anyway you catch my drift. I could never go out in public with low slung hipsters and a midrif top and feel comfortable about it so I just don't understand how girls larger than me can do it and feel comfortable about walking around with it all hanging out. Maybe they just don't give a fuck, I dunno. For example, I was at a fair two weekends ago and spied a very large lady [picture John Candy in drag] who was wearing black lycra bike shorts... I'll just give you a minute to let that image sink in. Those bike shorts should be outlawed on anyone really but on a lady of larger size it is just brain fritzing. I couldn't tear my eyes away because not only was she wearing these short lycra bike shorts but she had a teeny lycra top on and the combo left NOTHING to the imagination. I was just facinated watching her walk and seeing everything wobbling about. You could see every last little dimple and then some. Sorry lady but I'm going to poke my eyes out before I go blind.

Had to have a little chuckle tonight. Made myself the most delicious Madras curry [have I mentioned how I'm a good cook?] and I've just checked my web counter and I've had my first Indian visitor... from Madras! Namaste! [still no Tennesse redneck... dangit ;} ] Seems to be multi national day [usually I just have visitors from the US or Oz] as I've also had my first Dutchy visit [Hoi!]. Man I love my counter, it's so neat to see where you are from, fascinating stuff. Almost up to 1000 visits, can you believe that shit?! The lucky 1000th visitor wins a prize... AND I gave myself a little cardiac because there was someone on my ISP in my town reading my page for a loooong time so I started thinking shit... who is it...I've been found out.... but man am I a dumbass.. It was ME, yesterday! heheh I was looking at the wrong page... PHEW!!!

While I'm semi OK with being found out I still don't want to be as then I lose the freedom to say whatever the fuck I want to without suffering any consequences from those in the know. The main reason I started this blog was to use it as a private diary of sorts and if people I knew read this I feel I'd have to censor it so as not to offend anyone or feel embarrassed. I'm going to have to either print this all out or save it to cd somehow because I have stopped writing in my paper diary as I'm writing to you instead.

well time for an early night for once. Although I'll get into bed and start reading and next thing it will be midnight... oh well!

now playing: the radio
still reading: A Dangerous Fortune - Ken Follett [am digging this book in a big way. Almost as good as my most fave book, Pillars of the Earth [which he's writing a sequel to!!!!]. Both of them would make good movies I reckon. I found out Lie Down with Lions has been made into a movie with one of the scrummiest actors, Timothy Dalton, as Jack [he was my fave James Bond next to Roger Moore - had SUCH a crush on him]. Must see if I can hire that one. Oh those eyes... *sigh* Gotta see if I can find Eye of the Needle too cuz that was a goodie. I've almost worked my way through all of Mr Follett's books, just a few more to go. ]

Sunday, August 21, 2005

You just think it, that's what you do baby

If you ever get the chance you should check out a movie called Samsara. One of the most beautiful and sad movies I've seen. My Ma has it on dvd but it's on tv tonight as well. I can't watch it because I'm not in the mood for a cry. I can't help crying at sad movies... well actually I cry at happy movies too. Or when lovers kiss... I'm just a sap. But definately check it out if you can.

Forgot to tell you that the folks from the last wedding I went to in May are expecting their first child. Very exciting for both of them. Tis a honeymoon baby ;}

I've been really bored today so of course my brain has been going overtime. I've really got to find myself a boyfriend. I wouldn't catch myself saying that 6 months ago but I'm admitting it now. Maybe I was just in denial before or just kidding myself. I want all that stuff that goes along with having someone in your life. I have these little weekend fantasies like lazy sundays in bed or going down to the local patisserie and having breakie together. Just little stuff... I can hack all the bad crap that comes along with a relationship just for the good stuff. I've been single way too long so I think I'm becoming a born again virgin. I swear I dusted some cobwebs outta there the other day. Woe betide the man who does submit to my charms because he's going to be one sore man if you catch my drift.

Maybe I'm just feeling the [social?] pressure of the need to get married and have a child. The thought horrifies me and entrances me at the same time. I don't really want to have a baby now and I don't know if/when I will but I feel like I have to. I don't want to regret never having one but at the same time I don't want to have one. Because I'm scared to, because I'm too selfish and because I'm lazy. My old boss is 46 and never got married or had kids and she regrets it like crazy. I never want to be like that but I'm scared of waiting until it's too late. And that's if I can have kids at all. I haven't shared that little story with you but I'm not in the mood tonight so another time perhaps. I'd adopt or foster if I could but I'd still like to have one of my own if I can. Guess you've gotta have sex first eh? chicken before the egg and all that... Gotta find me a man.

And that's scary in itself. I don't want to judge any man by MY past but considering my bad track record I'm scared of it repeating once again. I don't want to be hurt again and again but I want that happily ever after and I guess that's why happy movies make me cry. I want that so badly. To be together against all odds. I'm just so cynical about males. They want some brainless porn star barbie girl and then still aren't satisfied. I haven't met a guy who has proved me wrong. Actually that's a lie but he's already married and devoted to his wife [the guy from the first wedding]. What hope do I have when all the good ones are taken or gay? These days it's just too easy to get a divorce and move on instead of try and work it out and stay together and be stronger. It makes me sad and uneasy about happy ever after because is it just that, a fairy tale? I hope not. I hope I find a guy who isn't a quitter.

But while I'm writing all of that understand that I am an eternal optimist and I will go on hoping and trying on every guys last name until one rings true. The radar is always on and pinging away. This is just my outlet for the things in my head and I guess I don't always share the positive things with you. Trust me, he's gonna be one lucky guy to have me and I guess I've just gotta wait until he's ready for me. Good things come to those who wait so I'll just be patient a little longer but boyohboy do I wish he'd hurry up. I know he'll be worth the wait.

back to work tomorrow so I'd better hit the hay. Nightynight.

Friday, August 19, 2005

zippedy doooo dahhhh

Yay it's friday!!! Another crappy week over and done with. Plan for the weekend:

Getting my nails done tomorrow morning
Do a bit of work homework
clean the house
Beading
SLEEPING

niiice and boring. Just not in the mood for anything too strenuous really. Again Kate and I are in sync... need a bit of me time at home.

I blame Kate for this too:

10 Random Things About Me:
I love archery [just got my bow restrung so I'll have to post you a pic.. so pretty]
I'm really crafty [in the creative way not sly], I paint, draw, sculpt and am currently into beading
My brother is my idol
I've love to own an urban farm with some ducks, chickens, a sheep or two, some goats and a clydesdale and be self sufficient
I can roll my tongue and do tongue tricks
I can wiggle my second toe independantly of the others [on both feet]
I have no white clothes
My porn collection is bigger than my brothers
I always close my eyes before I turn off the light when going to bed
I'm obsessed with plucking my eyebrows and anyone elses if they let me

9 Places I haven't Visited: [changed this one to *haven't* as I've been practically everywhere]
China
Japan
Africa [unless you count Egypt which is kinda Africa.. okay well it's close]
The 'stans [y'know Afganistan, Uzbeckistan, Kazakhstan]
Antarctica
Canada
the Scandinavian countries
New Zealand
Alaska

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
Go to the moon
own a bondage dungeon
live in a castle with a moat
Be happy!
have a family
have a job that I love AND get paid for it
resist men who wear Issey Miyake
learn to control my impulsive nature

7 Ways To Win My Heart:
hold my hand in public
make me laugh by being wickedly cheeky
be thoughtful
surprise me
stimulate my mind and body
NEVER EVER cheat on me
like animals [but not too much eh?]

6 Things I Believe In:
Honesty
Family
Loyalty
taking responsibility for yourself
being yourself as much as possible
ghosts

5 Things I'm Afraid Of:
Being alone forever
not being able to have children
public speaking
turbulence on airplanes
my parents or brother dying before me

4 Of My Favorite Items In My Bedroom:
My bed
My ikea blankie
M'Lord [who's not actually allowed to sleep on the bed, I must be the only cat owner I know who doesn't allow it. hate that midnight licklicklick scratchscratchscratch. But he usually hangs out in my room]
My Indian silver jewelery box

3 Things I Do Everyday:
check my email
read blogs
brush my teeth

2 Things I'm Not Trying To Do Right Now: [what an oddly phrased sentance...]
Not trying to take over the world
Not trying to pick my nose

dunno what happened to number 1 but oh well

And there's a new boy at work... he's tall, he's cute, he likes good music and he has a cat... hmmmm we'll see eh?

Avagoodweekend!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Life's your cup, drink it up

Just got my third filling this afternoon and my tongue,lip and all the skin from my chin to the corner of my mouth is still numb. 3 fillings in 30 years isn't such a bad track record but man I wish the anasthetic would hurry up and wear off... feews all fwoppy

Like most bloggers I feel like I've lost my blogging momentum lately. I've got no major dramas to write about and I'm not ecstatically happy about anything. verbal constipation instead of my usual diarhoea. It's business as usual and it just feels like I'm whining all the time when I post. oh except tonight... oh whatever ;}

I forgot that I had some 'splaining to do and I spose that's where I'm going to start today.

I love looking at my stats to see who you are. It's exciting when I see a visitor from Chile or Turkey or Saudi Arabia [still no Sawyeresque Tennesee rednecks dammit.. mmmm Sawyerrrr]. Nice to see that I have regulars [you're all mad but I love you still]. I always have a little cardiac when I see new Aussies visiting due to the "being found out" paranoia but I don't feel it as strongly as I did when I first started this up. You see me and I can see you. I would assume that by now you have formed an impression of me, of who I am. I'd love to know what it is but you're not a talkative bunch and that's cool. I'm curious to see if my next confession fits into that picture you have of me or shatters it.

You know that I'm an IT manager who gets paid way too much, I have staff and a car and a house and all the trappings blahdeblah. Your typical corporate high flyer. But up until 11 days ago I smoked pot every day and have done so for the last couple of years [and probably more than I'd like to admit] and no one knew. I was what they like to call a long term habitual user. Part of the trick was that you couldn't really tell that I was stoned. My eyes don't go really red and I don't get all stoopid when I'm high - just a different brain consciousness. kinda like the effect ritalin has on ADD kids. I was marvelling at how well my coping skills are considering that no one has ever clued on and it has never effected my work [in fact I've been promoted during that time]. Even my best friends don't know how much I smoked because I've kept it secret. They knew I smoked but not that it was everyday. In fact no one really knows except you now. I even hid it from you to an extent because it's embarrassing. It feels so stupid being hooked on something so destructive. The thing is I'm not stoopid, hell I've got an IQ of 142 but I felt so dumb being addicted so I just didn't tell anyone and hid it as much as possible.

I've quit a few times for a couple of months here and there but this is it. I finally feel like I've grown out of it and I don't NEED it anymore either mentally or physically. The physical addiction was much easier to overcome than the mental side. It's been easier to quit this time than any other time and I'm confident that I can stay off it. I think in part it's because I was finally ready to quit when before I couldn't ever see that day. I realised a way back that quitting pot is the only way that I can move on and out of the rut I've been in for the last couple of years. It's just been too easy to just keep smoking. I could afford it cuz I get paid too much, I had good contacts with primo budage who delivered so it wasn't hard to get and I had no real incentive to quit.

I'm a bit of a self sabotager if you haven't noticed and I've just got to a point where I need to just fucking well get on with my life and stop dwelling and "woe is me"-ing. The daily smoking thing started after the break up with asshole2, in fact he introduced me to one of my best contacts. I went through a period of serious debauchery after that break up to try and make myself feel better but only made things worse. Over the years it just became a habit/ritual and not just a physical need. I've been wanting to quit for at least the last 2 years but it was just too hard. I needed that crutch which was hobbling me at the same time. It's so catch 22, a vicious circle. Every Monday for the last 3 years I was going to quit [another reason I like TBC's blog Starting Next Monday because that's what I thought every week but it never happened]. Every time I scored I would think that I shouldn't be doing this but still did it anyway. While I'm happy I've quit I still miss it but not in the physical craving kinda missing. I miss the ritual of chopping up, the glorious smell and the satisfaction feeling of inhaling it into my lungs. Can't explain it really.

I'm reading a book on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and the first line in the book sums up my pot addiction - "Who's driving the bus?" Its an interesting book and I've been trying to apply some of it's principles to changing my life. For a long time I wanted to quit but at the same time I thought how do you stop yourself doing something that you know you shouldn't but you're going to do it anyway. It felt a bit schitzo which worried me but I realise now that I was just making excuses for myself and not owning up to the problem. It's like if I don't love me then how can I expect anyone else to?

When I think of all the money that I've literally burned up over the years it makes me sick. But like I said, I hardly noticed the cost when it didn't make a dent in my pay packet until I look at it retrospectively. So I'm hoping that I'll notice the extra money, better health and improved life. I'm probably still detoxing now, I've gotten over the magic first 4 days which were pure hell and the most important. And it's weird because being straight is just so.... dull. I feel a bit apathetic about everything at the moment and I'm not sure if it's just because I've got my monthly visit from Aunty Red or detoxing or something else entirely. I think it's just going to take time to get used to it, I didn't realise that pot was so polarising in that way.

An interesting side effect is my dreams. I'm not the best sleeper and I'm usually a pretty vivid, colorful all night dreamer and being straight has only intensified that 100 fold. There's some weird shit running round in my brain and it seems like it's all been released now that I've quit. I'm still a little bit irritable but nothing close to being Her Royal Highness Ms Crabby Cakes as I was last week.

So folks, there's change in the air and I'm hoping that this positive change is going to flow on to all the other areas I'm not happy with in my life. In one way or another they're all connected to smoking so now that that has stopped I'm hoping that the rest of my life will fall into place without me messin up the works.

Secret revealed.

now playing: 3 doors down
still reading: A Dangerous Fortune - Ken Follett

PS. You know how you can listen to music and it takes you back to such and such a time and everytime you hear that music it reminds you of that time? 3 doors down is fast becoming the music that I'm associating with quitting. Digging this cd and I'm finding the lyrics motivating, these two in particular for obvious reasons:

"Changes"

I'm not suposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feel like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

[Chorus]

I'm blind and shakin'
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes



"This Time"

Unsure of yourself
you stand divided now.
Which road will lead you there
Last time you fell and you hit hard
Your wounds have healed by now
But you still see your scars yeah

But it’s not the way it use to be right now
You come so far to just let this go my friend, don't go out
The same way you did the last time
You’ll break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You’ve got to believe in yourself this time

Live on, live it up today
This life’s your cup
So drink it up I say, yeah
Say it’s mine so give it all up to me now
And walk that line, don’t let this go, don’t go out the

Same way you did the last time
Your break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You’ve got to believe in yourself this time

Life’s your cup, life’s your cup
Drink it up
Life’s your cup, life’s your cup

The same way you did the last time
You’ll break when you fall
Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over
You got to believe in yourself this time [x2]

Morning blog

I've told you before that I work in IT and that it's an interesting job. One of the not so interesting things are our priority clients who are now affectionately known as Slinkies thanks to the below pic.



So apart from the Pebkacs and ID 10 T errors we have Slinkies... fricken Slinkies...

now where's my coffee????!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Of these games being led by so many fools

have I mentioned to you how much I dislike excuses? They're so weak and feeble. Why can't people just own up to their actions? Take personal responsibility instead of flimsy 'reasons'. I guess it's less confronting but damn it shits me off severely. I hate having to give excuses and just feel stupid when I have to by way of an explanation to a situation. It just sounds so pathetic. I'd rather not explain and just say yep I'm a dumbass and cop it on the chin rather than feel like I'm whining because so and so didn't do somethingorather or told me such and such. I can't really go into details but I'm miffed. fuckin slinkys. Anyway I'm building a bridge and getting over it...

Question for the fellas in the crowd - Would you rather have sex with a porn star looking starfish or plain jane demon in the sack? Stems on from a lunchtime conversation with the guys at work which was just facinating. The opinion was split 50/50 but personally I think that some of them weren't being totally honest either because I was there or because they didn't want the rest of the fellas to think they were soft. The porn star side argued that it was all about the visuals and if she just wanted to lie there like a starfish then that was all good. They just wanted a posable good looking something on their dicks. But the other half said that they could close their eyes for a wild night with the demon in the sack. The whole topic came about from Paris Hilton's sex dvd. We share our porn at the office and this is one that's been doing the rounds [the dvd not Paris... oh wait...]. I've seen it and she's a starfish. The strongest impression I got from that dvd is that she looked so bored when she wasn't looking at herself. Even when he was chowing down she looked positively sleepy and I swear she nodded off there for a sec. Whether that's her starfishness or his lack of bedroom talents who knows. He certainly seemed proud of himself, tosser. The bonus room stuff on the dvd was more interesting than the main feature quite frankly.

While we're talking about porn there is one thing that I just don't get. Why are there story lines in porn? Is it so that fellas can say I watch it for the stories? Even I don't appreciate the story lines so who are they making them for?

And from porn to war. Watched a bit of a disturbing documentary [Enemy Image] tonight on war and it's portrayal on TV. "Modern television has the technical means to bring us the physical experience of war, with all its horrors, like no other medium. And yet the image of American war on television is increasingly disembodied, bloodless and unreal. This film traces the development of the image of war on American television from Vietnam to the present day to understand what we see when we look at war on television. It tells how the perception of war has become as important as war itself and asks how democracy can be served if citizens are denied a true understanding of the daily consequences of the wars their nations fight."

Very interesting stuff and certain images have been burned into my brain forever. They showed some pretty graphic scenes of the innocent victims of war. The whole war thing is just a big mess and I admire the people who are out there fighting but at the same time I feel sorry for them. It just seems so damn pointless and such a waste of life on both the soldier side and civillian side. It's kinda appropriate with the 60th anniversary of the end of WWII just past. I'm so thankful that these people fought and died for the world that I live in now but I can't help feeling that these soldiers are just meat for the war machine, pawns in a bigger game. And for those soldiers as individuals - as brothers, sons and fathers, I feel sorry for their families who lost them for no real reason. Well no reason that makes sense to them. So tragic.

Now playing: Pete Murray
Now reading: A Dangerous Fortune - Ken Follett [I've resigned myself to the fact that I won't rest until I've read all of his books... then I'll move on]

Sunday, August 14, 2005

In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Not much to report. Crappy Thursday and Friday that didn't even warrant explanation. Tiring short weekend and I need a refund because it's back to work tomorrow and there's two things that I should have done over the weekend and I haven't because a) I couldn't be bothered and b) it's the fuckin weekend and I don't want to do work because it's the fuckin weekend. Which leaves me in a pickle because I can't get it done tomorrow at work and I'm busy tomorrow night. Que the meeting Tuesday morning when I'm sposed to report on those two things and ummm.. errrrr....uhhhhhh... I'll think of something. fuck!

If I wasn't so darn tired I'd expand. but I'm just too bloody tired so it's all going to have to wait. It just feels like time is speeding up and I'm being left behind. fuckfuckfuck! Can't everyone just stop for a bit so that I can catch up?

I feel a little meloncholy and I blame Tracy

There’re no words to say
No words to convey
This feeling inside I have for you
Deep in my heart
Save from the guards
Of intellect and reason
Leaving me at a loss
For words to express my feelings
Deep in my heart

Look at me losing control
Thinking I had a hold
But with feelings this strong
I’m no longer the master
Of my emotions

nighty night

now playing: Tracy Chapman
not reading: anything because I'm tween books and lookin for a goodie

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Let it snow let it snow let it snooooowwww!

It's snowing!!!!! I love it, it's fricken snowing!!!!! The last time it snowed here was about 12 years ago. There's just something about the snow that makes everyone happy. I stopped in at the newsagent on the way home for my weekly dose of interior mags and it was just brilliant walking around in the ginormous flakes. Everyone around was smiling and commenting to passersby. Even the newsagent said to me that I'm the first person who has walked into her store covered in snow. I got chatting to the soooper cute [AND taller than me!] boy behind the counter about it as they were all so excited standing in the doorway just watching the snow come down. I commented to Cutiepie as I was paying for my stash that I grew up in the northern hemisphere and this was pure bliss and he told me that he grew up in England and he was about this far away from running outside and frolicking in the snow. I told him I was going to go outside and play when I got home [which I did too] and told him that he could join me if he wanted to. I think I'm going to have to make my weekly trip a bi-weekly thing... he was niiiiiice!

The snow will probably melt by tomorrow but man it was fun while it lasted. I took some pix for ya and I'm a caring sharing kinda gal so they're below.

Had a bit of a crappy day today but I think I'll explain why on the weekend. I've got some splaining to do and I'm not in the mood now. Had a really fucked up dream early this morning and that kinda set the tone for the day. One of those dreams that is just so psychotic that I'm really wondering where the fuck that came from. Too weird to share. It'll shake your opinion of me so badly. And it's too bloody cold up here so I'm off to sit in front of the heater with His Lordship [aka fluffy lapwarmer]

snow and flowers Posted by Picasa

Snow on the geraniums Posted by Picasa

Snow on the mulch Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Something beautiful is happening inside for me

Forgot to tell you that I watched the last couple of episodes of Lost on the weekend and man did I bawl. For any Aussies out there you might want to skip this as I'm going to talk about the finale [which will be shown here next week] as I don't want to spoil it if you haven't seen it. Everyone else, carry on as you were.

The thing that struck me the most, and that has stayed with me, was The Others taking Walt. When I was watching it I didn't know that they were The Others and as I've told you before I've got a really overactive imagination. My heart literally dropped when the crusty old dude said "we're going to have to take the boy" WHAT? what do you mean take the boy? To do what? I was watching with my hand over my mouth, just appalled, horrified, heart racing. It was only today that I found out that it was The Others and not pirates like I originally thought. I was outraged at the injustice - the fact that Walt and Michael had finally started to bond as father and son and here he was being ripped away from his father again. How would Michael EVER start to look for his son. He's in the middle of the ocean, burning raft behind him, no hope of help... and just the sheer terror in Walt's voice as he's SCREAMING "Dad help me, help me". Gives me chills. Me with my nasty mind started imagining what pirates would do with a young boy which is why I'm glad to hear that it was The Others who took him. Made me remember back to when they were talking about The Others wanting the boy - obviously not Claire's newborn son as everyone at the time thought. Musta been Walt and his special abilities. Oh yep, I'm totally sucked in, you've earned your megabucks dearest, most treasured screenwriters. Now get cracking on series 2 before I have a conniption.

It's like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon which I think is one of the most beautiful movies ever made but I just can't watch the ending because it makes me cry like a baby. It's one of my favourite movies but I just can't watch the end. It's not fair - they've loved each other all their lives and they finally admit it to each other when he goes and gets himself poisoned. I think I've just been brainwashed into expecting a hollywood ending. The first time I saw it at the cinema I came out absolutely weeping. I think I'm just a sucker for unrequited love stories. So it's confirmed, I'm a a hopeless romantic cornball, I can't help it. Is there a 12 step program for that?

now playing: Depeche Mode
still reading: Triple - Ken Follett

Monday, August 08, 2005

The perils of using a tequila bottle as a water bottle.

Just wanted to share another small story about last night before I
forget...

I love gulping cold water so I have a couple of bottles which I fill
with water and keep them in my fridge. One bottle is a 1.25 litre coke
bottle, one is a wine bottle [with very cool label] and one is a
beautiful old style tequila bottle [with a little plastic red sombrero on the
cap]. So last night I'd taken the wine bottle and the tequila bottle out
of the fridge as they needed refilling. I got a bit distracted and
started doing other things, including the washing up [shock horror!]. I'd finished doing the washing up and after all that hard work I was a
bit thirsty. I spied the tequila bottle with a little bit of water still
in it and it looked like just enough to do the trick so I opened my
throat to swig it all in one gulp. Only to discover that it was the second
tequila bottle with real live tequila in it!!!! ACKKK! And dammit I
didn't have any lemon to ease the pain and cleanse the palate. ;}

speaking of tequila - I used to work in a tequila bar and we had this one guy who would come in for his tequila 'special' every night. This guy would lick his salt, squeeze the lemon UP his nose, kinda snorting it a little then slam a shot down his throat. He swore by it, said it gives you a buzz like no other and allows you to drink more tequila than you usually could. I'll trust you there pal. Kiddies, don't do this at home.

And I know you feel helpless now, and I know you feel alone

I haven't typed up Wednesday's post and I really should but I need more hours in the day - maybe this arvo if I have time.

The seafood buffet went down a treat! I'm a cooking legend!! Of course I cooked waaay too much haute cuisine but that just means that there's leftovers so that I don't have to cook later. Smart thinkin 99.

Things are not going well with my Ma, I'm a little bit worried about her actually. I noticed that she wasn't her usual bubbly self at Friday's dinner. We did our usual Sunday brunch thing and we had a mega chat. She is VERY depressed due to the outcomes of Wednesday, I think she's well and truely out of denial and it has hit her hard. She said that she's got nothing to look forward to except loneliness, isolation and poverty. Her "friends" are worthless, her income is dwindling so what is left? I hope that's just the depression talking. I really do. The thing that frustrates the hell out of me is that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to help or assist her. Apart from being there to talk to because her friends suck. It's "too hard" for them to talk to her... fuck that shit!!! How hard do you think it is for her??? assholes... sorry I'm reving myself up here - don't get me started.

I just wish that I had the answers to help her. But as far as I can see there's nothing possible. Communication with the outside world is the main problem. She doesn't hear enough for the hearing world and doesn't know enough sign language to communcate with the deaf world. So she's stuck in the middle with no options. Her employment options are just about zero and the pension isn't enough to live on. She's involved in the deaf community but they're pretty clicky and because she's not totally deaf, they haven't really embraced her into the fold. It's really heartbreaking to see her so down, I hate seeing her cry because I feel so helpless to do anything except give her my shoulder. I know that that is all I can do right now so that's what I'll continue to do.

It really sucks to see what this tumour and hearing loss has done to her. Not physically but mentally. She has always been an ultra social person. She was always going to events, parties and dinners or hosting them herself. Always going out for coffees or to galleries and what not. But since the hearing loss [and friend loss] she doesn't go out because she just can't hear anything. When she does go out she gets frustrated because she can't communicate with anyone and feels like a dork. It's really been an eye opener as to how intolerant people are of hearing loss and disability. It's really not that hard to communicate with her but it takes patience and time which people don't seem to have. So sad to see this social butterfly put in a jar.

Just wish I had some answers....

Mwaaahahahah I knew I was immature and this proves it - it says I'm 26. Nyah nyah Kate! :P

http://www.blogthings.com/whatagequiz/

Oh and talk about blog obsessed - had a dream with The Big Cheese, atoep and Jezabellez last night... not that I know what you guys look like but man did we have fun ;}

I've got more to say but I've gotta get back to work so I'll check in later on this arvo.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

When today is the tomorrow you were worrying about yesterday

Well I'm going to skip Wednesday's post as I wrote most of it in the car yesterday but of course I forgot my notebook at home so I'll type it up tomorrow. But due to to the beauty of blogger, when I post it it will be in sequence so I'll tell ya when it's below this post. I'll tell you about yesterday tomorrow ;}

This has turned out to be a bit of an insane week but I'm on an up. Totally nailed a presentation today. Wrote most of that in the car yesterday too and just whacked the text and a few images into Powerpoint this morning and hey presto! Got laughs in the right places and I think I even got the point across in some situations that I've totally been banging my head against the wall. I certainly had their attention so we'll see eh?

Tomorrow looks super busy too. It's my Ma's birthday and I'm cooking up a seafood feast. Garlic crumbed prawns, a fish bake dish which is a layer of rice, a layer of spinach and a layer of fish - in this case yumyum barramundi. It's then topped off with bechamel sauce and cheese which all melts and sinks into the rice... mmmmmmm. Then there'll be salmon baked with herbs and lemon with hollandaise sauce. Oh and it's all sauce from scratch cuz I hate that packet mix shit. Then some mussels or oysters if they're priced OK otherwise I've got some smoked mussels. Then depending on what looks good maybe some Balmain Bugs, langoustines or yabbies steamed or boiled or something. They don't look purty but they sure taste damn fine. For veg I'm making a green bean salad and a green salad hhmmm maybe a greek salad. Coupla different cakey goodnesses but I won't go there cuz I can can hear your stomach rumble from here :P

dammit... I think that was mine. I'm making myself hungry now. And I haven't been shopping so there's nothing good in the house. bugger.

Monday, August 01, 2005

[insert catchy title here]

Been feeling pookie today [lucky pookie]. Dunno what's gotten into me but I just feel so blah and unmotivated to do anything. I'm not in the mood to do anything and at the same time I'm so frustrated because nothing is happening. I don't know what to do to change this vicious cycle. I've had two chats today about going Elsewhere and my options and of course there's no magic answers and I'm just going around and around and I'm getting giddy. I'm on the border of being depressed and I don't want to be there at the moment but at the same time I can't find my happy place. Should call myself contradictory girl instead...

I feel so insignificant at the moment. When I think about my life I'm not important to anyone apart from my family. I'm not in someones world, I wonder sometimes how much I register in peoples lives. I wish that someone would think about me and wonder how I am. Wonder what's going on with me instead of it always being about someone else. My bestest friends are pretty self absorbed and my hangout friends, well I just don't think that they give a rats ass one way or another as long as I'm out drinking with them. Maybe I'm just too much of a good friend and listener and have conditioned people to talk about themselves instead of me. Even when it's my 'turn' to talk about what's going on with me with either of my bestest friends it always comes back to them by the end. "Oh I know what you mean I blahdeblah". I'm sick of people talking over me when I'm speaking... Oh I'm sorry... I must have been talking while you were interupting. fucks me off bigtime. It's the old "I wonder if anyone would notice if I disappeared for a while" cliche. When I was off work it took a week before some people noticed I wasn't there. A week. I just wish that someone valued me as much as themselves. I keep saying I have good family and friends and I do but I'm there for them and they're not there for me. Man I'm sick of being lonely.

Going to Sydney on Wednesday for the dreaded neurosurgeon appointment. I think that's heavy on my mind as well. Well I've thoroughly depressed myself now so I'm going to bed.

now playing: the radio [can't even muster up enthusiasm to whack on a cd]
still reading: Triple - Ken Follett